So following on from my post about the balancing of my masculine/feminine energies (The Joy of Natural Balance), I was just thinking on something that has been occurring as a result of this balancing and expanding in both these areas, and that is my inner authority.
What’s been happening, really quite organically (this is happening more and more as I just let go), is that something in me has suddenly put its foot down on an area of self-criticism I had never quite fully considered as a lack of self-love or spiritual ego or anything like that, because it was something that has always pushed me so far and so fast on this path. Now it’s obvious but I can also see how it would have been so invisible to me!
And at this point I really want to say that it’s been my gorgeous friend Savannah, and her hugely generous and authentic sharing – on her blog and on TWYH – on her own experiences into the delightful world of the spiritual ego, that have enabled all of this to percolate for me, and rise up into my conscious awareness. So massive thanks and gratitude to you, darling, if you read this (and anyway! 🙂 ), because you’ve inspired and supported this awareness for me immensely and with such grace!
So, what’s been happening for ages is that whenever a being whom I perceive to be more advanced on the path of awareness (person or channelled energy field), or as having more experience or authority on something I am intent upon – be it embodiment or manifestation or highest alignment or whatever – speaks on ways or techniques to become more aware and more embodied and more advanced on this spiritual path of ascension, something in me immediately hands over my own authority and starts beating myself up in all sorts of ways and giving me more to do to ‘improve’.
It’s so strange because I have known cognitively for so long that I am my own authority – and the only one on me! – and have been applying that diligently to all areas of my life. But recently I have become aware of how deep this one goes. And it totally makes sense because the first effect of being born into this currently-prevalent human paradigm is believing you’ve (rightly) lost your power to those who know better – parents, teachers, elders, qualified experts, politicians (!) – and should defer your own sense of what’s right for you to their opinion.
I have gone through so many of these blockages to my inner authority, but this latest seems to be the deepest and most invisible, precisely because it’s so logical! Of course it makes sense to learn and receive wisdom from those who have experienced greater embodiment levels on the path, who have traversed more of what you are traversing, who can support your own steps forward through their own personal experience or from their clearer perspective. This is SO logical. What I didn’t realise was that I was not discerning at this level and was just accepting everything these people or beings said as what I should do, even though it made me feel tense, stressed, imperfect, failing, exhausted and a myriad other things that I noticed but just assumed was my own projection onto them and yet another thing to work through. Oh man.
And that makes sense too. And in a way I have come to understand that this is just what happens, and it keeps you moving, and it keeps you searching, and there comes a point where you have to put it down, like all tools on any path, because you have outgrown it. And – as I see it – you outgrow it by expanding beyond the point where it’s useful in the way you’ve been using it (or at all), and as I have felt my newly-remembered conscious connection to my divine masculine energies, this is exactly what’s happened.
I just suddenly knew that RIGHT NOW, for as long as it lasted, I did not give a fuck what these beings that I previously used to push myself (or compared myself with) said or did or recommended, I wasn’t interested in even looking. And I realised pretty quickly that it wasn’t actually to do with whether or not it applied to me and my discernment abilities (though that was a happy result), it was actually because this was a massive spiritual ego construct that my mind was using to control my process, and actually the only way to release myself fully was to literally not give it anything to do that with and love that need back into wholeness through heart-centred focus and gentleness.
Phew! What an amazing sensation it was! It really pushed me because always my response would be ‘well if you feel uncomfortable about that technique, Sara, then you’ll have to work through it because that being says that’s the way and they are so much better at this than you, and it’s obviously just highlighting to you where there is more work to be done’. Oh. My. God/dess. R I D I C U L O U S. How hilarious to have gone through all that I have gone through, to have mastered so much, to have grown so much in self-love and self-awareness and to still hand away my authority to other energies simply because I still believed somewhere I was not good enough, and had to try harder. Well that just STOPPED. Fuck.
How delicious. To really just give up trying, and to be shown where I am still trying to give that up too, and (more and more) all without trying. Perfect. Because now I really begin to KNOW that anywhere that tries is simply asking for love. And more and more I can let go into letting myself express FULLY accordingly to my joy in each moment, and knowing that that expression does not need to be monitored, does not need to be filtered through a spiritual technique, does not need to even be thought about, because at this point, I have done enough to clear my ability to shine my natural LOVE state, to trust my motivations and my alignment with highest good, and any adjustments that could happen to bring more joy to my expression will just get organically brought to my attention as and when is easiest and most graceful.
Because LOVE is who WE ARE, and once you clear the mirror, just BEing will naturally get continually more loving without any effort whatsoever. In fact, the less effort the better! Full fucking stop.
(I swear a lot by the way – I realise I haven’t much yet, which has been fascinating to me – and that’s a whole other post, but safe to say it is a great joy to me to infuse all these words that people label as ‘bad’ and ‘rude’ and ‘dirty’ with joyfully emphatic usage, and just know them as LOVE in word form that can be used joyously as and when we feel without focusing upon potenially ‘offending’ anyone, which is, quite frankly, their responsibility. Inner authority and divine masculine anyone…? )
My beautiful friend told me a technique she uses whereby she just senses in her body whether what she is about to read is loving for her, and if it isn’t she doesn’t even read it. I think that is GENIUS. So peaceful, such inner authority, and it was that lovingly and easily planted seed that fruited into this conscious realisation of how much I didn’t and couldn’t trust that for myself, because there was always more for me to improve on, and if I didn’t read everything I might miss that opportunity…I am SO grateful for that completely wondrous gem of wisdom.
So this is a part of my unfolding that’s been amazing for me to become aware of this week, and I so wanted to share it because it has been delicious for me to feel the massive wave of self-confidence and trust that swept through those self-doubts, and if anyone here is experiencing the kind of spiritual perfectionist-related stuff that has kept me still so pressured, may this help to bust you loose into the freedom of your awesomely loving and fully authentic expression, potentially without ever needing to try again! Wooohooo!
Or maybe it’s just an interesting read. Or just a read. Hah, oh I make myself laugh sometimes… 😉
And I love you ♥