This year, my dreams have changed ~ my dreams have always been involving, sorting, symbolic dreams but in a mundane way which has never felt particularly directly informative ~ except when I’ll have, maybe once every couple of years until recently, a totally different kind of dream where it’ll obviously be a divinely symbolic merge~type dream, and it’s tone is totally different from normal ~
In the last few years, these merge dreams have been increasing ~ largely around the beloved who originally kicked me off on this whole conscious process years ago and who I am still in a mysterious process with, though not directly ~ but also lately becoming more and more profoundly like symbolic messages about what’s happening in my energies ~
This is delicious because I have never been able to lucid dream or any of those ‘crazy skill’ things, even though I really understand a lot more about why now (very very closely cocooned me, so I don’t just pop off the planet!!) ~ but lately, one thing that has NEVER happened before is dreaming about/with some of the amazing wayshowers who are right out in front of this wave ~
It started with Sandra Walter ~ I have had three dreams of being ‘at her house’ (which isn’t her house obviously) over the last 4 months, and the content wasn’t really important and I can’t really remember it, it was just the knowing that this was happening and very significant for whatever reason that I kind of enjoy just feeling and not analysing! More a signpost than anything I think ~
I then had a totally AWESOME crazy dream in January ~ the only one like this I have ever had ~ of being in like a mystery school setting being taught in a group by Matt Kahn, involving flying (I sprouted the most enormous pair of white~feathered angel wings, which is something I have etherically seen a lot for the last few years, so that was fun) and many other energetic lessons ~
But this morning, although I had no dream, I woke thinking of Bill Ballard with this same kind of energy about ~ this waking up with people or songs in my mind is becoming increasingly powerful, and I have really been paying attention to it ~
Also I have noticed that in the last 3 years especially, I have had waves of deep resonance with different wayshowers where I will suddenly be deeply immersed in resonance with what they share ~ or in deep dissonance actually, where I get my sovereignty and self~authority and guidance tuned up ~ and then it will fade and I will find I have a time of self~integration without resonating deeply with much and then another wayshower/s will suddenly resonate ~
Bill Ballard is a recent addition to my conscious awareness! ~ I don’t think I had really been drawn to his videos before the summer, when the beloved who I journeyed with then introduced me properly ~ I can’t remember for sure now but I know it’s only since then I have felt to watch ~ and only fully come into that deeper resonance this year, since January, being really drawn to watch everything he has shared and totally heart~loving it and just so glad he is here in~body (this is the sign I get when I am totally resonating and heart~connecting with people like this, I realise!) ~
So this morning, knowing that Mercury finally leaves this retro cycle today, knowing how utterly profound it has been for me, starting right on my 3rd house Jupiter and pulling me into an intensification I could never have imagined, even at this point! ~ when I woke up with that feeling of connected, happy love and wanting to see if Bill had posted anything, I was intrigued ~
He had, and oh boy, what a perfect and amazingly synchronised experience that was!!! I have noticed the synchronicities increasing exponentially this year to the point where it’s unusual for them not to be constantly there, but they just went up again in intensity and the spherical oneness feeling of them, and this was a new high point in what has been a momentum of synchronicity over the weekend ~ and they are so much subtler now, and yet so much more all~pervasive…fun!
So I mentioned this briefly a couple of weeks ago, but last summer and the whole process surrounding it was a profound and unbelievably intense experience for me ~ and during watching this video I felt the growing awareness of the last couple of months crystallise into understanding that the entire experience has actually been an initiation itself, of my own kind ~
I kind of knew this already from the sheer, even embarrassing size of the pain, intensity and how it has literally left no part of my entire relating mechanism that I have been operating on until now untouched, but I hadn’t really reached that final clarity until I was listening to Bill’s sharing and realised what it really meant for me, in that gorgeous spherical understanding way I have when something is completing…
This is also totally confirmed for me by the way that I got the urge to look at the astro today ~ the whole connection between me and this beloved has been totally aligned with many different astrological events, but I hadn’t clocked that I think the first time he ever commented on the blog was a year ago (I’m sure he probably has a more accurate awareness of this than me but I’m pretty sure that’s right), which is when Mercury was passing over this exact same spot, as Saturn was making his first retro pass over my natal Saturn ~ powerful stuff, but oh boy does it makes sense now!
See, now I understand just how entirely MASSIVE this experience was, and entirely unrelated in ‘size’ in many ways to the actual physical events and flow that catalysed and governed it ~
Bill was speaking in the video about a connection he has had to let go of fully in the last two months, and in many ways his description was more comparable to the experience I am still having with that original beloved I mentioned above, who started off this whole conscious ascension process for me about 8 years ago now ~ but watching it and hearing and feeling Bill’s description of his experience and the reasons for it clarified and illuminated so much understanding that has just poured in and arisen and arrived in this Mercury period about my summer experiences too ~
Because, when I started connecting properly with this man back in the spring last year, we really did set up what I can now see was a very deep sacred connection (not that I didn’t know it at the time, but now I understand just how profound it was in ways I couldn’t see!) ~ we did 40~days (like a yoga sadhana) of etheric connecting morning and evening with powerful affirmations and intentions that created what I now understand to be a MUCH deeper process than I could have realised at the time ~ I think this is partly reflected in/because of the way our astro is incredibly connected ~ everything is connected, often doubly or triply, and in the vertical connections even more so ~ I have never seen anything like it before ~
We worked through a lot of issues and energies over email before I ever went to stay with him, and I opened fully to the whole experience, already understanding a great deal about the challenges of our astro and what had already emerged from our sharings ~ we also connected physically a great deal for the first half of my stay, really merging energies and creating the perfect conditions for what then unfolded for me, because it meant that I was completely connected to him, whatever his capacity turned out to be (I may get to write more about this because the effects of this are so obvious to me in so many ways already ~ but it’s too much to write for this post!) ~
I was sooo excited for this experience because I knew how aware I was of my own patterns and energies, how ready I was to go deeper with a beloved, how sovereign I was and wanted to be more so ~ I ended up doubting all of this completely while I was there, but I understand this too now! ❤
And I feel now that we each got what our capacity was open for ~ which for me was a full on initiation into a new level of mastery, sovereignty and awareness which this Mercury retro has fully ushered in ~ it really was a bridge, highlighting my whole structure of relating, that could have been accomplished in no other way, and has astonished me with the sheer length of time (by comparison to the speed of things now) and depths of response that I have needed to really harvest and pass through what I was asking for myself ~ and I know that only a truly close and deeply attuned soul~brother would have been capable of being that beloved for me at this time, no matter how he presents humanly ~
In a way this has been one of the most challenging things about the whole experience for me ~ after really feeling the whole deep soul love and potential as we started connecting (I always feel this and then the contrast to the human experience is always heartbreaking ~ I just wasn’t expecting that here because we had seemed to set it up so consciously!), when finding myself actually in the unfolding experience, how on earth could such a powerful experience and such a transformation occur from connecting with someone who was actually so deeply closed to me, to what we opened, to the experience and the process ~
I ignored my intuitions and responses to it and wrote them off entirely whilst there because I couldn’t understand why I would have manifested someone who I felt so deeply connected to, who talked such an amazingly knowledgable and beautiful spiritual talk, and yet didn’t have the heart opening to actually BE that in practice ~ why would I have taken myself into such an unbearably painful experience (anyone who has opened their heart enough to really begin BEing love will know how painful it is to then bump up against and find themselves connected to a soul~beloved who hasn’t, and this was without a doubt the plan!) unless I was actually completely wrong about where I was in my process (bless me I am so cute in my lack of confidence in myself sometimes!) ~
Oh my god~dess though, now it makes COMPLETE sense, and I know it will continue to make more ~ perhaps I will be able to share more about it another time, but now I will just say that I see how every single detail of this experience has been utterly, beautifully perfect, from the understandings I have gained through sticking with it, and the love and trust in myself that has flowed from trusting the whole thing from start to finish, even in the depths of scalding misery (totally embarrassed by that too, at this point! And yet it was perfect), to the clarity and awareness that has moved to entirely new levels, and sooo much more ~
I followed my joy in every moment and I was so fucking bang on to do so ~ what treasure I have already uncovered and how much is still to come!!
Because I went in open, I committed fully, I was true to what I know I am and I refused to step out of the love, even whilst needing to experience all the pain and anger from realising that this beloved had abandoned me completely in it with communicating anything really at all about where he was or what was happening ~ I hated having to feel so much pain and grief over a connection that never seemed to get beyond a certain point, and was never set up to be a romantic love connection of a love~partnership in that ‘traditional’ way in the first place ~
Listening to Bill Ballard speak briefly and beautifully about his letting go this year, just crystallised so quickly all I have already understood about this experience ~ hearing someone so deeply in their process and such a brilliant wayshower speak about something that I have not really seen other wayshowers share on, in such a human and light~filled way, resonated so much and somehow really gave final confirmation that it really is and has been perfect, confirming that heart~knowing that always carries me through these initiations! ~
Because I have only ever wanted to be in the true, beautiful love I have always felt for this beloved ~ it doesn’t matter how open he is to me, how much that experience devastated me, how much I have wished that he could have been truly with me in this experience we opened together and having to deal with what felt like utter abandonment, rejection and actually betrayal, because it felt like (and really was for me) such a sacred space to step into and shocking to discover eventually that I was alone in it ~ and it was finding myself having to process so much that wasn’t the core of what I felt myself to be in it that was so hard ~
The sheer contrast between what he said he wanted, what we created and then what actually occurred brought up such powerful responses from me that the pain was almost too much, and has continued to be as this has intensified over the retro ~ but now I understand how all this was so so necessary because it was the gateway into the level of understanding that only that amount of pain and focus (oh pain is so focusing!!!) would have forced me to open to and see ~
As this retro unfolded the whole experience turned in the most COLOSSAL receiving of information, awareness, understanding, recalibration and movement into levels of sovereign awareness I hadn’t even understood before, even though now I know they are truly our natural state ~ and only the pain could have held me in it in such a way as to get to this, because I am too sensitive and to capable of merging with EVERYONE ALL THE TIME to have gotten here this fast in any other way ~
Ach this is such a huge story and I know I am not doing it justice, and am probably rambling from excitement and relief at being able to write 😉 and don’t know if I can really honour it properly in words anyway ~ you know when you have been so deep into an experience you have no way of knowing if it makes sense outside of your own perspective!! Hope it does 😉 ~ but what I really wanted to say was this ~
Firstly how much appreciation and love I have for the synchronicity and presence of Bill’s video and his totally wondrous and heart~felt authenticity that so easily gifted me exactly what I needed today in so many ways, beyond what I have (briefly 😉 ) mentioned ~ so powerful to watch such a light~filled, human sharing ~
Secondly, what a bloody relief it is to feel that FINALLY the trauma of this intensely lonely experience (honestly it got to the point where even thinking about checking my emails set off a physical fear reaction in my body in case there was an email from him and it hurt again; my being has been so raw from such a painful experience with this beloved!!! Embarrassingly weird to me sometimes, even knowing how sensitive I am) returning deepened and expanded to where I know I live, which is so much unconditional LOVE for the whole thing, for him, for us, with an accuracy of perspective that is blinding in comparison to where I was before ~
And finally how I feel like I have been released from the holding space that was that initiation, that bridging and era~ending experience, especially during this retro, and perhaps I can actually write again here as I love to and let the treasures of this experience unfold in full ~
There is so much more happening in my energies, my awareness, my body, myself that I would LOVE to share with you guys, but this will have to do for now ~ god knows if it makes sense! But it feels so good to be able to share again, and how synchronised that truly is on this Mercury~cycle ending day…I knew it was going to be incredible from the first moment Mercury entered the shadow, but good lord, I really had no idea!!!
In such deep love and devotion to all that has been and SUCH excitement for what I feel is unfolding and CAN now unfold thanks to this experience… let’s see, shall we…?
I love you guys! I hope you are flowing expansively and deep and heart~felt congratulations from me if you made it this far through this particular sharing… You totally deserve cookies for that…hahahaha ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
Oh and P.S. connecting with a beautiful soul~love over the weekend was such a major part of this synchronicity and unfolding, and I feel so blessed and grateful that just to have everything I wished I had been able to have during and after the summer gifted to and shared with me, so easily and gracefully, even just for two hours, was the balm I needed to make this last step so effortlessly! It was amazing and I am so grateful, darling, if you are reading this ❤
It has been the grace and companionship of those beloved soul~family who truly want and open to the heart~connection with me, and have shared with me in this that has lifted me so easily each time I have needed it, and I totally wanted to honour that ❤