Hello my beautiful friends ~ how are you surfing these wild rapids these days…?
Wow am I having an interesting time of it ~ firstly, just to say, to anyone who wonders where I am if I have been in conversation with you and I seemingly disappear, what happens for me is that I have times where I just cannot summon the energy to communicate by writing words down ~ anyone who has talked with me via the internet over the years knows this, but this year it has become more stark, more on-off, and also I have surrendered to it more ~ my apologies, and I wish it were different, but I am getting better at honouring and trusting it and I have deeply needed it ~
Because one thing that has always been true of me is the intensely high standards I have for myself ~ I didn’t even realise what depths these entailed for most of my life, and now I am learning to love them dearly for the levels of integrity and sovereignty they take me into, but where it has been difficult for me is that I find it very difficult to surrender to processes that take me away from what I (usually erroneously) perceive as an obligation of some kind, whether to someone else or to my own creations ~
I have found it intensely difficult how little I have been able to share here for the last couple of years, as well as in other places and connections ~ this has taken on a new dimension this year as Uranus has arrived on my Venus, unleashing creativity like I have never known (LOVE it so much I want to burst and amazed I haven’t 😉 ) at the same time as Saturn opposes and Neptune squares my Sun ~ Saturn also retrograded off my Uranus and Mars off my Sun, so the further we have gone into the year, the more creative energy has been available to me and the less I have been able to do a crapping thing about it!
It has been weird in the extreme, even knowing what is happening ~ I have been given a constant stream of inspirations, one soul expression after another, ideas, connections, certainties about who I am in essence and what I love; then just enough energy to make a start and get things rolling, even just writing them down and getting REALLY Gemini-excited, and then the whole thing will drop away, I will pace about for a while wondering why I can’t keep it up (less each time 🙂 ), sometimes go into deep assimilation tiredness, and then it will start up with something new ~
This has been going on for years now, but especially since the autumn, and non-stop since February ~ for the most part I have absolutely loved it, partly for the sheer relief of having ideas and directions after so many years of complete chrysalis with no outside focus and a shitload of internal discomfort about my own worth as a human being… But what it has done is amped up any self-worth issues I have around being productive, DOing, working, being independent, my ability to stick at something, be worth something real in the real world…haha as I look at what I have just written I cannot help but laugh out loud and say to all you astrologers out there, SATURN, anyone???
The thing is I have Saturn right in my 12th house in Scorpio, holding my Mars~Venus sextile in a yod which is being activated by Mars and Uranus right now after a long line of Moons, retrogrades and such that feel like they have been flipping a set of switches to gradually induct me into my full being ~ and that big reveal is NOW, ongoing, mysterious and feeling so SLOW whilst being infinitely fast ~
It’s just, of course, it will never be anything like I would imagine, no matter how great my intuition is around feelings and such ~ I am only ever going to get the essence of the energies, mostly because (shh) ~ I like it that way ~ I still have a fair bit if Scorpio knocking about in the underbelly of my chart after all… 😉
But oh lord, has this year exposed the deepest, subtlest workings of my being as I have been!! So immense and valuable and so much I receive every day ~ but I am just having to surrender more and more to complete receiving mode and let mySELF unfurl itself, because every attempt I have made to jump on a creative flow, follow through, entrain or further it, or just DO anything with it that my humanness would deem progress, just leads me into another drop in energy and another misty area of understanding I hadn’t seen before ~ and every time I am more clearly shown that now is the time to surrender like never before, not out of avoidance, but out of commitment and dedication to this life I am creating for myself, as one human on this planet, for all of us ~ and for the most part I am enjoying it more than I could say…
And also, as a dear friend has said to me many times (mainly out of necessity haha), I have an very (very) impatient chart, so the chances of my natural response being patience, are slim to none 😉 This makes me feel better when I have had frustrated steam pouring out of my ears most days for a decade, but 😯 So impressed by the amount of patience I have painstakingly expanded into (thanks Saturn) (I think) (nah I mean it ) ~
Also, I guess that Saturn will speak to this too, but the main reason I haven’t written much more about my experiences here is actually because I know some of my family read this, and because I have spent my last decade especially learning intensely in the microcosm of their presence; I have felt endlessly and completely exposed to people and energies practically every day that have actually been intensely difficult for me and that I didn’t know how to deal with, or even that I had a right or ability to deal with (raise your hand if you know what I mean 😉 )…
And it really isn’t about them, at all, since they have all brought me the perfect gifts of understanding each in their own way and mostly they have had no idea what has been going on for me, and I honour that with gratitude ~ only love intended here ~ but it is about me, honestly and authentically, and the fact that it is tiring to never have your own space, your own energy centre, a home to root your own essence in and rest in, enough space and time to really get to know myself beyond who I am with, and to never know that I didn’t really know or appreciate any of this enough! I just judged myself for not coping, not moving, being crap.
It is very tiring to have to be permanently vulnerable and confused and not knowing what the hell is going on most of the time and having to put a brave face on it constantly because either no-one understands or because any advice they might offer will be painfully echoed in my own uncertainties. And that would be unbearable on top of excruciating. Or, far worse, that for whatever reason, they really aren’t that interested, even if they say they are. And that is fine. Truly. How can it be otherwise. But it has been tiring and I have the right to stay vulnerable and open whilst not being exposed in ways I don’t want to be, and not sharing my innermost self unless I want to, and only when someone can meet me there with genuine interest and care ~ and to draw that boundary in every way, no matter the cost (I am working on this, it is SO hard for me) ~ and it has taken me SO long, and so much pain and heartache to work that out…
And of course, that has brought me everything I have needed, as I have said before, but this year it has finally shown me what I am that I have not seen, what I need that I have not realised and have never fully received (from myself or others), and how to realise where I am getting what I need and, crucially, where I am not. No judgement, just achingly needed discernment, and the gratitude I have for this is unbounded. And I don’t really know much of how to implement most of it, but right now that so isn’t the point. I just need to acknowledge it and let that deeply needed love hydrate and nourish those starved parts of me that have waited so long for me to see that I deserve a full life, on my own terms. Divinely co~created with my ENTIRE BEing…♡
And there is so much more to learn, and I adore and cherish that. I would have it no other way. It is the oddest experience to have consciously committed myself entirely (though of course only lately has it felt like a conscious choice…raise your hand… 😉 ) to this transformation for the best part of a decade, and to realise just how many more lives and experiences have gone into BEing this, NOW ~ and yet simultaneously feeling more and more like a complete novice…literally sometimes as if I am at zero where everything I have been and learnt means nothing, because this is now unprecedented…
Ancient sage and newborn all at once…and everything in between…♡
So there will be so much more sharing ~ I feel that and I have SO much to share, write about, add my light to ~ I LOVE to write, I LOVE to love, I LOVE to share and I am learning so much about the RIGHT and BEAUTIFUL ways for me to do this that feed me so wonderfully ~ I have done far too much listening in my life for the ‘wrong’ reasons, and very little sharing of who I truly am, and while I honour that and why, I know that is shifting now ~ I am just honouring that this time is about landing, rooting, opening, receiving, so that my sharing, my life, my whole BEing, honours who I am completely ~ I desire nothing less, and I prove to myself every day how much this means to me ~
So, as this Full Moon approaches, I feel the Capricorn energies ordering my field in this way, still Neptune-d, still Uranus-ed, still deep in the essentially unknown mystery of this transformation ~ yet, strangely (or perhaps not), where the outer world has become more chaotic, my internal one has become more calm ~ where life has felt less clear, my love has become clearer, stronger ~ and while I have so little human understanding of the bigger picture of how this will unfold, including my personal one, what shines out from my core, more brightly and more lovingly every day, is that right now, this IS my service ~ to transform on behalf of the whole, to be the calm in the storm, even when it rages in myself and I feel anything but calm, to BE the love we all are at core, and let it unfold through me, knowing that I am safe space to the best of my ability, and I get safer every time I allow myself to trust this process, trust this planet and all upon her, trust this evolution of consciousness that is breaking the surface now in such monumental ways ~
And to understand how this can never be an avoidance for me ~ I don’t want to hide from the world (any more 😉 ) and I don’t want to ignore anything ~ what I do want is to take such exquisite care of myself, listen so deeply to myself, arrive so deeply within myself and the love that I am, that I have ALL my being available to share, ALL my light available to shine, ALL my love available to BE in the world, trusting that is always enough, and that there is no better, more productive, more loving way to be here and now, no matter how weird or uncomfortable it might be…
Much more soon I hope, as my place in the world begins to solidify and my love begins to flow fully ~
And while we continue being our amazing selves, I say thank you endlessly for that ~ it is such a pleasure and a relief and an honour to be holding hands with you as we walk into the brand NEW, and I love you with all that I am…♡
Happy Full Moon beloveds…may it bless you eternally ♡