Secondly, God I feel weird! Between the Saturn return pinnacle (or is that rock bottom 😯 ) (yeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccchhhhhhhhhhhhnevereveragainnoteveninanother29yearstimenonoway) (and I flowed with it pretty darn well if I say so myself 😉 ) (not that I’m actually out of it yet! Hahaha 😯 ), extra transmutation push, Christmas intensity, huge waves of self~incoming, extra~intense moments of tune~up, lifting~dunking~lifting, and then all this huge inner subtle sensation that I can barely sense really, let alone translate, it’s a bit weird being Sara 😉
I suspect I am not alone….
I have to say, I find it very strange how, even with so so so much experience of just how truly challenging this ascension process can be, it seems to still feel unbearable/bewildering/completely impossible to pin down how to be in it in the moments of purging…I know that’s definitely the point ~ and mine are particularly mind~centred, so, confusing to live in…!! ~ but it still sucks majorly!
Just as the times of lift, expansion, self~integration, download, inspiration, light transfusion etc etc just ROCK, even without all the crazy extra~sensory skills so many (other) people seem to have 😉 So immense and wondrous and then you totally forget it was ever so horrible you wanted to leave most of the time 😉
I have to say, even with knowing about Saturn return and being vaguely amazed at that soul~timing/choice I had going on, I had moments of deep despond during the autumn ~ just so too much, every day ~ and I’m in one again now (just because everything feels soooo endless), though, oddly peppered (literally moment to moment sometimes) with hugely creative and joyful surges ~
I think it’s mainly the feeling of total powerlessness (surrendering the whole process to divine flow) coupled with the still~present deep fear (I think this is a Saturn thing) that I am still somehow holding myself back and nothing is ever going to shift because it’s waiting for me to do something I can’t for the life of me work out 😉 and then these massive surges of joy and feeling like a manifesting beacon where my heart feels like it’s pulsing my joys and desires out through the universe, but then because nothing yet has turned up beyond vast internal change, this becomes an unpleasant and tricky cocktail to flow with!
My sense is that this is actually a cusp thing ~ the timing, the feelings, the whole picture feels so alchemical and current ~ sometimes I feel like an alchemical cauldron in my whole self ~ feels so deeply ready, aligning everything up into one small step that’s going to shift the whole thing into quantum movement ~ the intensity of it makes the years of non~movement, process, crucifixion, doubt, fear, lack, powerlessness and waiting unbearable, overwhelming and like being stuck in a tiny box without any way of getting out…except when a big joy surge comes, when I feel like I am already out…. 😯
I guess the point really is, it’s all a rather moot point ~ I just am where I am, moment by moment, and since I can have very little awareness of the bigger picture just now, all I can do is trust my heart and follow the joy…
Yeah, doesn’t mean I don’t hate this neverendingness though! Just getting better at loving myself hating it…haha…all Matt Kahn’s latest have been massively helpful with this, for sure! And especially when ALL the messages and feelings and people’s sharings of late have been SO joy~/movement~/new~filled, it can fill a little bit shitty to still not really being feeling it except on the deeper levels…(loving how much I enjoy that total authenticity more and more ~ just fine to feel this way and say it!)
I felt a massive lift around the 11th ~ it was awesome and brought so much more calm, peace, strength, clarity (oh boy clarity!), certainty, connectedness ~ and lasted until this Mercury retro shadow/new moon started working on me big time again ~ and the lift is still there actually (and more amazing clarity popping in continuously), just now there is more releasing mixed in again….yay…I guess also it’s because nothing is going to suffice but whole, full, complete shift now, so having lovely amazing internal movement is only building this i n c r e d i b l e (and permanent) heart~desire to get out and get on!
Haha I don’t know about you, my lovelies, but I am seriously looking forward to a time when sharings are about all the marvellous creations, changes, manifestations and newness breaking the surface and bringing everything we have worked soooo hard towards to our manifest reality ~ and not something along the lines of ‘well there’s all this internal amazingness and shift, and yet all this r i d i c u l o u s releasing STILL going on and it’s utterly shitty and I hate it with every fibre of my being but I also LOVE it and me and being here and am fine and so on we go…. 😯 Oh my god enough already! It all feels so close, so WONDROUS, so real and so imminent, and yet still so elusive in so many ways…just at present…probably not in the morning…ho hum! ~
Just my timing I guess…we’ll see… 😉
I am hoping you guys are having marvellous things turning up in your lives ~ I’d love to hear about them ~ ah so many wonderful, wonderful inspirations and desires pouring through me most of the time, just trusting they’ll emerge into physical form at whatever moment suits me best…
Hopefully more soon ~ for anyone feeling anything like me, love you! You are not alone 😉 (so very not!) ~ anyone finding the new flooding into their lives, oh my God~dess I am celebrating you! Woohoo! You so so so so deserve it ~
And on we go….dum dum de da dee dum….let’s have some cookies for the journey…♡ ❤