Transmutation…

autumn_forest_sunrise-2560x1600Hello darling friends ~

Though still feeling such a deep block on writing (think it’s that this inner alchemy is so all~consuming that I’m in like a real container of transformation…or summink 😉 ) just suddenly felt to just come and give a brief update on how/what I am sensing/feeling, in case it’s helpful ~

So, for Sara~context, I am five days away from my exact point of Saturn return (for anyone of astrological persuasion, this is in Scorpio, third pass, 12th house but on my ascendent, so, I’m feeling it! And as I have mentioned before, it’s at the end of a Mars~Venus yod, and this is definitely running the theme of my show right now), so that is adding a massive slug of Saturnian ‘heaviness’ (though I have to say as a general rule this is not how I approach it, it’s definitely there right now!) ~ and my Pluto, which rules my chart, has been the focus of both this Mercury retro and the New Moon ~ so whatever I am experiencing is quite likely to be a very deep and wholesale version! Haha such an understatement…

The one word I would use to sum up my experience at the moment is TRANSMUTATION. I know I, we, have been transmuting continuously for eons 😉 but I have never felt it like this before ~ it’s like I am an open gateway, a clear vessel, a portal, for everything that is leaving, everything I am not taking with me into whatever is on the other side of this process (because that is what it feels like is being unfolded) ~

Helped in the main by long chats with a true heart~friend, my experiences with my beloved summer companion, and the incomparable Matt Kahn, I am finding this to be a very simple task… … …yeah you know what those pauses are for! Simple…but not easy ~ haha ~

Well, as anyone who has done any deep inner investigating knows, you have times when, no matter how long you have been in this, no matter how well you know ‘the process’, you just can’t be sure which way is up and what the crap it’s all about and whether you are ‘placing’ yourself right 🙂 …sometimes the only thing that feels right is to just breathe into my heart, or jut breathe, or just be with it. All of it. And not out of desperation because it’s all too much, not any more, just in the knowledge that I really have no idea ‘what to do’ any more, other than moment~to~moment feeling ~

Its funny, because simultaneous to feeling clearer, more present, more joyful, and feeling a greater and greater passion for being here and loving everyone and everything with the complete devotion and enthusiasm they deserve, I am having the fascinating (and in some ways humbling) experience of feeling like the biggest novice at the very beginning of everything ~

This ranges from genuinely having no idea who or what I am and why the crap I’m here, or if there is any real meaning to it or not (and my feeling is, it is both meaningless and the most scintillating and important thing I could be ‘doing’, and alchemising and allowing all that spectrum to harmonise in my awareness seems to be part of the purpose right now), complete doubt and anxiety about how to be in this, where my LOVE connection has gone, if I’m fucking it up by letting go into it so utterly, having absolutely no idea what is truly coming or even how to go about being part of it, where I am in the process, if I am somehow avoiding life by making it all up….and so on 😉 There’s nothing like allowing meaninglessness to push any buttons one might have left… 😉

It is also touching EVERYTHING ELSE ~ deepest human wounding, separation pain, earliest trauma, ascension trauma, relating pain, all the intimate connections I’ve had, and as familiar and loving as I have gotten with all of this, it’s a little amazing at how much seems to still need to come up ~ though the fact that I am not getting tangled in the ‘stories’, even as I am experiencing them all fully as they pass through, tells me it’s probably just the last bits and pieces, even if it feels a little bit like whatthefuckhaven’tIdoneallofthisalreadyfivebilliontimesandImusthavegonewrongsomewhere … 😯

In a word, transmutation. And it feels archetypal. Any and every fear or pain in every area of life has been touched and triggered since the Equinox (as if August wasn’t like that already!!), and especially through October. The difference here is, I can allow it, all day every day, all the doubt about allowing it too, and all the worry that I should be ‘doing’ something to keep my vibration high or hold the light or some such other rule that feels like total pants to me right now :mrgreen:

Basically, what I feel right now is this:

1) BEing LOVE should require absolutely no effort whatsoever. How ridiculous that being oneself should require work, even in changing my frequency or state to ‘feel better’. If I feel to, awesome, but to say it’s a requirement to ‘get where I want to be’, all the vibration=vibration stuff, feels actually like it requires a good dose of discernment as to what that ACTUALLY means ~

To me, being in COMPLETE alignment with myself, full allegiance, unconditional presence, means exactly that. To me, the ultimate loving happens when I can feel low for days on end and not feel any need to control it out of feeling like I need to keep my vibration high, hold the light, know what I want, create things, or that by not ‘maintaining a high vibration’ I am going to create bad things (god in heaven that pisses me off right now ~ as if anyone needed more pressure on this planet! 😉 ) ~ to me this says ‘I am not scared to be me, any or all of it that comes’, even when I am actually scared! ~

Yes I have come here through bloody hard work and diligence, yet I trust that that is just one way of being this, and one that perhaps is leaving all together through our loving emergence from it ~ what ‘higher’ vibration could there be than unconditional love for self, regardless of what that might feel like moment to moment? Surely that just says ‘Sara, you’re perfect’ and allows highest alignment to continuously flow through without effort…? That is a gift I would like to bring to the collective experience ~

Regardless of all the knowledge and awareness and learning and tools I have gathered and used, and knowing all the beauty of the diligence and determination we have all shown in our own ways, something in me is taking the biggest ‘risk’ I have ever taken and saying ‘You know, I know I can change my state of being at will, and it only requires minimal effort, but I don’t want to ~ if I can’t just let go, let everything that wants to leave leave, and everything that wants to emerge, birth and love through me do so, in perfect timing and with complete trust and permission, I don’t want this gig’. Sorry. Just not interested. Might be tomorrow, of course, but not right now, and not thus far 😉

I seem to have lost any interest whatsoever in ‘the work’ other than the (currently rare) moments when inspiration and desire to do so arises (like suddenly wanting to bathe in the deliciousness of what I would love to experience ~ love that one 😉 ) ~ what I do have is presence and awareness with all of it ~ I haven’t switched off and thrown myself into 3D life by trying to ignore the whole thing (!), I am so much more present to everything, myself, all of it ~ not because I’m trying, but because it’s me, isn’t it ~ my experience ~ and I’m allowing it all ~ why would I want to be anywhere else, even when it feels shitty and I want to be anywhere else 😉 This is feeling more and more like freedom to me ~

2) Doing this has taken more courage on some level than any other part of the process, because it’s going beyond what I know has got me here, and just throwing myself into LOVE without a safety net ~ if there is something I should be doing, well I’m royally fucking it up, aren’t I 😉 This is because it requires allowing the deepest fears, the subtlest ones around divine worth and being, the ones that give you that sinking terror sensation of “Oh Christ I’ve got it all wrong and I should be doing something, anything instead!’ ~ oooh my favourites… :mrgreen:

3) Even if I should be doing something, I am out of juice. This isn’t actually tiredness speaking particularly, or indignation, or frustration; this seems to have ‘coincided’ with this full surrender, and to me it’s actually more like my “trying ability” has been unplugged ~ literally ~ sometimes I consider it, and just get a massive blank ~ exactly like when you turn the key in the ignition and nothing happens ~ so I guess that is MY way of making sure that I can relax because I couldn’t try if I tried anyway :mrgreen:

4) I love everything and everyone so much more ~ mainly because I am allowing myself to dislike everything and everyone so much more at the moment 😉 Yet another fantastic paradox ~ the more I allow everything through, the more this beautiful, deep, normal patience and love for everything arises no matter what’s mixed in there, and even though all nice things are somewhat distant under the weight of this transmutation immensity, that is most definitely tangible ~

I am also finding that the main result and emergence through all of this is getting even more in touch with the essence of things ~ what resonates, what I am magnetising and what attracts me most deeply, which all whispers to me more about who I am ~ I feel like this is going to get clearer as this goes on ~ lots to share about that ~

So, whether this is simply mine, my version of the collective experience, or I am doing some epic collective transmuting on behalf of the whole (feels like all of the above to be honest ~ one excellent reason to plonk one’s Saturn return NOW ~ I mean, Christ, Sara), I am trusting it, even through the not~trusting, the doubt, the confusion, the feeling like I have not a clue and am surely failing at this crucial point, and after everything ~ I am just being this, being me, however ~ it feels right, whatever that means, and if any of you are feeling anything similar, know I am right with you, shining my light (whatever the crap it looks like right now 😉 ), lavishing cuddles and loving you with everything I’ve got and beyond as we traverse this crazy LOVE~fest that we are, and that is emerging what feels like  u n b e l i e v a b l y  s l o w l y and also at the speed of LOVE…

Cookies and all deliciousness to you, beloved and beautiful fellow~LOVE~travellers, wherever your explorations and inquiries and hearts are leading you ~ ❤

(Paradoxically (since I’ve just spent several paragraphs talking about not trying and this song is called ‘I Won’t Give Up’ 😉 ), here is the beautiful Jason Mraz with what I am loving listening to today, prompted by the wonderful Méline…) ♡♡♡♡♡

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5 thoughts on “Transmutation…

  1. Oohhh…. I’m SO on board Matt Kahn’s train! LOVEing his work and being profoundly touched and changed by it. THANK YOU for this post. You put words to what I was not able to describe completely and felt very consoled in the fear that I was being left behind … seeing that you’re going through very similar sensations and thoughts makes me feel validated again and – girl! – did I need it. THANK YOU!

    I won’t give up! LOL ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ I’ll keep being LOVE and transmuting for myself and ALL – For the good of my soul and all inhabitants of Earth.

    1. Oh Ivy, such perfect timing ~ just got busted right to the core by telling my Mum exactly how I felt about where we stand energetically and not trying to soften or qualify it with my loving self and just letting the authentic voice speak ~ now all the survival fears and realisation that my whole life has been about keeping her safe by making sure she didn’t have to deal with my pain are just flowing through me…she, of course, just walked away and is acting like it never happened, so we shall see ~ happy days ~ perfect Saturn return moment!

      Amazing how real and totally overwhelming these places feel ~ realise how vulnerable I have always been to this ~ if I tell them how I really feel, I will lose the ‘safety net’ they provide and will have nowhere else to go because, of course, they can’t possibly love me if I don’t behave perfectly all the time 😉 so powerful and can’t believe I never noticed this before, after ‘knowing it’ for all these years… 😉 ~

      So clear and have to trust in perfection and just be with myself ~ just writing it all as it comes and sharing here and trusting that too ~

      Yeah baby, let’s transmute together! We are so awesome ~ I know that fear of being left behind so well, and so, well, I’m just being me and finding out what I am in this (and I reeeeeally don’t think we are being left behind! Yet that voice is always there at the moment) and trusting that I only want to be with myself…

      We set such high standards, and we go beyond them every time ~ there is nothing braver for me than what I am doing right now, and what we are all doing right now ~ I celebrate and honour that and carry the fuck on allowing allowing allowing and trusting…

      And so it is! Thank you, beautiful sister, for being the balm in this moment that reminds me we are LOVE and we are ONE and all is so so very well…

      Love you…

      Sara ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

  2. Thank you, Sara – I found what may be thought of as the most “negative” of your remarks by far the most refreshing!!!  Isn’t that so funny???  Because through all of this love I want to be absolutely the most loving person in the world that I can be and when I fail my own standards it feels so crushing – or I do the crushing – but at any rate I am forgiving myself my own Fall, my own choosing to separate from God, and I’m coming back so s-l-o-w-l-y and at the SPEEDOFLOVE!!!  Too!  So thank you for showing us the universality of your experience because I can sink more fully into being human – and trusting it – because of YOUPeace and Love,Ruthy – “Love really is all there really is.”http://www.KidsWorx.netRuth Virginia Barton413/219-3975″When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.” – Buddha

    1. Haha how wondrous, Ruthy, thank you!

      Oh yeah my God I so agree ~ that’s why I have loved people such as Lauren (Gorgo ~ TWYH) because they just say it how it is ~ and really the ‘further’ we go the more it seems clear to me that there is nothing to be feared in ‘negativity’ ~ how could there be? And more than that, sometimes it’s exactly what is needed to be expressed ~

      The relief and joy I have felt at someone just saying how they feel it without trying to make it sound ‘nice and spiritually correct’ has brought more appreciation and love from my heart ~ and more comradeship ~ than anything else always ~ we are all humans doing our best after all! I celebrate all of it more and more as the glorious undertaking it truly is…

      I think that’s always been one of my biggest fears ~ what if I express that ‘negative’ feeling and I’m ‘wrong’ or I hurt someone and that makes me less than perfect…’ and so on ~ couple that with the serious dislike and discomfort I have with being ‘unloving’ anyway (and I think we all have that because it’s so far away from the ‘truth’ or our loving hearts, just some are more able to bury it 😉 ) and it has made this journey into authenticity and trust all the more challenging…

      So yes!! I now feel that it is the trust of self to express authentically HOWEVER it might ‘appear’ to the judging mind that requires most courage, but aligns me best with myself ~ allegiance and love for all in me that needs to be heard ~ and I trust that it gets expressed perfectly beyond any notions of ‘always SEEMING to be kind’ (because to me that’s what it is when you feel furious but pretend you aren’t because you are ‘supposed’ to always be kind and loving with people in order to be ‘spiritual’) ~ our perceptions about what this all means in essence are getting radically altered at the moment, it feels to me…

      And anyway, I have found for a long time that honesty is infinitely preferable to comfort for me ~ now I would rather someone was furious and honest with me and willing to be there and see it through with me, and I dealt with any reactions/pain I might have around that, than try and work out what’s REALLY going on under the nice face being presented ~ yeah sure it’s difficult to begin with, but you build trust and intimacy so quickly when you can find that courage and willingness that there’s no need to be furious any more! More paradox…

      Haha lots of Sara~response from my heart for you, my friend, and deep appreciation for your presence ~ it is a pleasure to me to feel how we are all holding hands and hearts with such love and devotion now as we forge into full potential, and it is an honour to me to be able to add my voice and love to the ease and grace unfolding for us all…

      Love and hugs,

      Sara ♡♡♡♡

      1. P.S. Realise I just went in a different direction to the Buddha quote, yet I guess that’s because I feel in essence it is ‘kinder’ to be authentic however that presents, and be right there willing to work through whatever that means, claiming full responsibility and staying with the true love that I am and the desire to freely love in honesty, than to try and ‘get beyond’ the ‘nasty’ bits or pretend they aren’t there out of some spiritual obedience (thank you Matt Kahn 😉 ) ~

        I think that’s the difference to me ~ we all have the ability to take responsibility WITH LOVE (not guilt for being wrong or bad or ‘needing to be responsible’ (hate that!)) and be present to all our connections that means our authenticity is not dumping or blaming or ignoring, even if the words may seem to present as such ~ authenticity to me is LOVE in whatever form it comes, and it’s the willingness to claim it and work with it that makes true heart connection and intimacy possible ~

        THAT is why I want it, because I know now that’s the way to FULLY connect at a heart and LOVE level, not because ‘we should all practice loving kindness in order to be spiritually acceptable’ but because I want to love, to share, to connect, to be fully open and present to all of life, and any ‘rule’, no matter how ‘worthy’ or seemingly preferable that gets in the way of that is going out of my window sharpish :mrgreen:

        Also, I feel loving kindness is truly what we are, and that this is emerging with more and more purity all of the time from all of us, yet authenticity and honesty are the ways to bring that true self through most quickly and brilliantly, and they allow everything else to move through with love, and to bring whatever lessons and deepenings they have to give along the way ~ and who knows, perhaps we’ll enjoy flaming rows when we don’t have to have them and they don’t stick!! It’s all simply experience after all, and I have been feeling this more and more as the truth of being ~ it’s all scintillating, and it’s all just as desirable to our crazy souls 😉

        Oooh wow Ruthy thank you ~ just letting this all flow through me seems to have given me extra clarity about this, that I have felt the truth of for ages…thank you, lovely!

        Deep love and sparkles to your day….

        Sara ♡♡♡

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