So I woke this morning in the most incredible wave of sadness – it really feels like a cloud of depression, and it actually feels more physical than anything else, though I definitely have more mental clearing and confusion going on…so I shall attempt to explain more!
For the last three days I have had this incredible energy in my heart – like a tiny, powerful sun, so so physical and feeling like an energy of anticipation, joyful building. When I felt this on Tuesday/Wednesday it was really magical because I have never felt an energy just purely physically before. It almost felt like there was my body experiencing something, and then there was me, noticing my body experiencing something. Nothing going on anywhere else – no mental connection or sense of Sara involved. I really enjoyed that! And it felt so Grand Cross-related.
Then, yesterday, I woke to a tremendous achy-oddness in a band round my body from Solar Plexus to Heart – it felt like that whole area of my body was trying to be a different shape! I had to keep stretching and I couldn’t have anything restricting on. I also felt incredibly bloated all day and have noticed lately that it feels like there literally isn’t room for everything in my abdomen, even thought it’s been swollen for the last week or so. It’s really quite odd! And Sandra Walter’s discussion last year (I think) about growing glands for processing more light (I can’t remember which post that was in, sorry!) in that area keeps popping into my mind. Something’s going on anyway – my digestion has always been affected for the whole of my journey thus far, but this is different! Plus, I process mentally/emotionally generally and the physical affects are very minor other than general discomfort occasionally and lower overall functioning…
So waking up this morning in this incredible wave of depression, which has been coming gradually over the last few days, was interesting! Especially because it felt so physical – like it really was a release from my heart – a literal wave/emission of heart sadness. And, the thing is, I watched Matt Kahn’s latest video from March last night, and they ALWAYS seem to have some massive wave effect on my energies. I am trusting the timing though (this feels so much like another huge tune-up after the Cross and before the New Moon) because I haven’t felt to watch a Matt video for months now, so perhaps it was time to be upgraded Matt-style again, post-Grand Cross, pre-New Moon…
And actually, what they always seem to trigger in me is self-doubt. Now I trust this as another, deeper alignment with self each time, because being reflected to by Matt Kahn seems to have profound effects on my self-coherence and inner authority, as any of you who were reading my posts back in November-January may remember. And the mental energies that accompanied this heart sadness seemed to be very much this theme! Because he is transmitting as he talks (good lord, is he!) I am always really observant as to what comes up when, and this time it was definitely about abundance and manifesting, which does seem to be my achilles heel of doubt.
You see, over the last six months I have had the most tremendous process of inner coherence, self-love and self-trust going on. It’s been amazing, and it’s made space for a great deal of knowing around what’s happening for me and some of why and a real sense of beauty around how I feel and experience my essence, a lot of which I have shared here. What this means though, is that every time I’m ready for another wave of incoherence and self-doubt to get cleared and realigned, it gets more and more difficult to feel, because the LOVE I feel in being so clear and so with ME is truly blissful and so peaceful and it’s wonderful to find that that is naturally me.
Yet when I have another wave of this stuff come up, it just feels like ‘What the $%£@*??? Not more places where I don’t trust myself!’, even though I fully trust just simply staying with my heart and loving loving loving it and myself, so that is what I do and be, no matter what presents. It just feels so unbelievably despairing sometimes to still have self-doubt come up even though I know it’s leaving, because when I am experiencing those deep places coming up, they can be so strong that it can almost as if all the energy I have loved into relaxing, letting go, trusting, loving me and just having such faith in the natural unfolding of this newness without anything but the most loving conscious support and openness from me, is undermined. Sometimes it can feel like it’s all been an illusion, an avoidance, and at some point in can feel like eventually I am going to be confronted with the fact of having to ‘get real’ and DO something about it.
It’s so incredibly frustrating and depressing when these moments arrive, even if I know exactlyhow to be with them, because I just so dislike the internal contradiction, and how easily it seems to almost outweigh all the LOVE I have remembered. I mean, of course it doesn’t and I’m never lost in it now and the LOVE is testament to the ease with which I can allow this stuff,even if it feels really shit. I guess this is me honouring how utterly fed-up I am of this, especially since having nothing physically manifest makes every time that little bit more distheartening, even as the trust gets bigger. And every time seems to be a complete balance between ever-waining endurance for the process and bigger LOVE-consciousness.
It’s so easy for me to get twisted up in my head during these times with the sheer amount of information about the energy of all this. The little mental battle that seems to go on when I’m observing these self-doubt moments currently is very much about being ‘energetically active’ or not. My mind seems to jump on the fact that nothing externally new has arrived in my world yet as a reason to state that I must really make more of an effort to create consciously, to will things into being, to put my attention where I want to create things. Am I just creating endless waiting? Am I somehow managing to hold myself back and there’s some magical switch that will make stuff happen that I’ve yet to find…? Is all this ease and grace intent simply another mind distraction to stop me from ‘getting on with it’? If not, why hasn’t anything changed after so much internal shifting? How much longer can I possibly risk just allowing and waiting?
The rest of the time my heart feels very clear to me and it says that by relaxing totally, allowing and just BEing LOVE following the joy, the highest good most awesome path will naturally be what unfolds becaus that is my natural state and there’s no point trying to work out or create anything when I have no clear idea what is ME in the new. Especially when I’m trying to bloody embody this newness as well! 😯 Yes, there’s things I would ADORE, and so I am open to them and love those thoughts when they come, but whenever I think about whether it’s time, there’s a sense of pushing so I stop. I am completely surrendered to the timing, even though that makes these moments so much more challenging in some ways.
There is a whole Joy post I have been writing about this which I am still feeling will get written, but I really wanted to relay this little episode here. I mean, I have detailed most of this process here in the last six months, and it’s been clear the pattern of expansion, newness, clearing…and so on. I am soooo bloody clear now and I feel it and live it and each period of time between these moments of purifying is longer. But no matter how good at this I get, no matter how much mastery I have cultivated, I still have moments of ‘Oh for fucks sake’ when this stuff rolls on up again and again and again, because I am weary to the bones and beyond of this process. Especially because each time I have expanded to fill the new space and am ready for more, so not having any substantial new AND more bloody shit is just ridiculous. But then this whole thing is ridiculous and I knew that when I signed up. So sometimes am simply allowing this continual desire to leave and this continual feeling of dying/ending and it feels really quite peaceful really, when there isn’t shit accompanying it. I feel like I am understanding how it might feel to get really old and to just have had enough. Not because it’s hard or painful particularly, just because it’s time and there is readiness for it all to be over.
Of course, that kind of excites me because it suggests just that, and to be honest, if nothing’s turned up yet then it’s got to be beyond worth the wait, simply for the effort it’s taken to get there ( 😯 )…and I am simply loving me and trusting, much as sometimes it feels so futile (other than the fact it’s the only thing I truly care about anymore!). I guess the point is, in these moments, I always find myself asking the question: ‘Alright then, Sa, suppose this doubt is all true in some way, and it’s simply you and you could get there more quickly if you applied yourself more? What then?’ And when I really hold myself open to that, ALWAYS the response is well, I just want to be me, and nothing else but what I am BEing feels joyful. I want to simply open myself to receiving myself and I’m excited to see what that means, so I’m not going to get in the bloody way by trying to shape it when I don’t bloody know what I’m shaping!’ It really feels now like I am in this ME-shaped LOVE-groove now, that allows and receives and opens and opens and opens and I couldn’t get out of it if I tried. So I don’t. And actually, although it’s simpler, this undoubtedly takes more courage for me. I think! Hah.
I just wanted to write this down because I know how good I am at this and I know how clear I am and I also know how authentically FED-UP of this endless nothingness I can feel sometimes (even though there is so much internal new) and how much I resist that fed-upness in myself sometimes in case I manage to derail myself. I think there is something in me that has held on so tight for so long, is so desperate to get free, so determined not to fail, that even as I feel so much more and more and more flowing and LOVE, it’s still taking a colossal amount of light to shift and loosen this grip I have on making sure I get where I’m headed, and this is me getting to see it being pried loose on the way.
So I wanted to say to all of you, here I am, this is what I am feeling and I want to be this ease and grace and am not prepared to have anything less than the new delivered in the most loving and peaceful ways, even if I have to wade through all this shit to do it. No bloody compromise. I want the full works. And I’m going to follow my heart and relax my way into it, and make that available to everyone in the process. Rah!
I am so joyful also (the cheerfulness seems to be unstoppable and in no way mutually exclusive in this clearing moments any more! It’s so odd and sounds so impossible but there we go – it’s all in there together) and peaceful around all the shit and stuff, but mighty despondent in these moments of review, particularly where yet again, after yet another colossal astrological event, my tiny world still looks the same. And I know I am being this, I can do it, and I know you can do it and we are BEing this. I trust us, even though it looks often like insanity. So if you guys are feeling any of this, just know I am with you, I love you, and I trust you. I really don’t have anything left for anything other than LOVE, and if that too is an illusion, so be it. I prefer it to the other one. And I trust it isn’t. In a way I think that is the most courageous bit of all this. Loving yourself through the crippling doubt. But then we are being that. We are my heros.
So please accept the shower of cookies from me to you (and me 😉 ) and the cuddles, because, well fuck, I’ve had enough, and have had enough for years, but I trust it’s worth it, and I’m so glad you’re with me…shine on!!
I love you ❤