Well firstly, actually, I want to love you all a little bit. Well, a lot, actually. Everyone reading this, I love you. Thank you for being so very perfectly yourselves. Thank you for being unique. Thank you for having the courage to shine your lights, no matter how you do it – public, private, quiet, loud, small, large – and particularly no matter what you think about how you are doing. I love you. Because to be yourself, to keep being yourself, to keep moving beyond safe, beyond ‘normal’, beyond established, however small or insignificant our minds may deem those intentions and movements, they take enormous courage and a great deal of faith. All of them. And whether you think you are or not, however you are comparing or measuring yourself, YOU ARE being you perfectly, and you are so brave and your hearts are SO big and full of love. And I want to reflect that to you right now by saying YOU ARE AWESOME. I see you. Keep it up. Just for you, for yourself. Not for any other reason or in any other way than what feels right to you, just being you, as we all learn to rest in that in our own ways. But because, well, you deserve your freedom, if you want it. And if you want it, I want it for you.
Because I love you. And I just love you ♡
I think that’s a pretty awesome reason for me to persist through the discomfort of the last couple of days, to come and say that just because I’m feeling it. I like it. I mean it fully. And it feels pretty much the same to me as saying that to myself. And I know it’s all ME, but the feeling, the conscious alignment with that knowledge, is catching up fast now, and loving all of you so effortlessly, so spontaneously in this way, is just pretty blissful, because there’s no trying involved. That’s what I’ve worked for – to let the natural me just arise, arrive, open its arms to my world and say, ‘Oh YES come on in I LOVE you SO much and I’m so excited for whatever you’re bringing me next because it’s all LOVE and it’s SO BEAUTIFUL just as it is!’ So there you have it – from me to you – a love note to self, yours and mine.
And actually, since we like seamless links, that invitation to the world pretty much sums up my experience of yesterday (and ongoing), and I really want to describe some of what I’ve been experiencing here as it feels like that’s my piece of the picture currently. At least my joy tells me so! And because, I’m really aware of what shifts in my consciousness, and how, and when, and it feels so good to write it down when I have words for it. Especially if it supports anyone else, because I find more and more that that sets my heart soaring. So here I am. I have the feeling that this is one of the ways I am playing my part in expanding the edges, and I love that.
So I had an intensification of discomfort as the weekend went on, especially on Monday. I find myself just more and more loving these parts of myself that come up with so much compassion as I’m able to observe rather than BE them. This one was a pretty immersing one though and I had to sit with it for a long time, being immersed and hating it, frankly. It was an old structure that I felt I had really passed through back in the autumn, but I have felt hanging around, so I wasn’t all that surprised. And it gave me some deep insight into the actual structure.
Because it was all about my conscious perceptions. It was a structure that says ‘I must do something, anything, I should be active, I must try to change things because they aren’t how I want.’ And as it’s gone on it’s gathered more of a spiritual tone, like ‘you aren’t focused enough on manifesting, you’re too passive, nothing’s going to happen, you aren’t persistent with your conscious focus, you’re not coherent enough mentally, you need to decide and stick with it, look at how your world isn’t changing, you should make it change, it’s only you and it’s your fault if it doesn’t shift’ and so on. I mean, my poor mind, it’s so clever at evolving, it’s just evolving where it’s still in the old paradigm isn’t very enjoyable! Bloody spiritual ego stuff! Haha.
When I have deep structural mental shifts (this is how I come to understand these moments), it’s like a whole section of the previous structure just breaks up, and things like this are like all the pieces breaking up and flowing downstream. And to me it feels like my mind is one, continuous, quantum firework of pain and discomfort and despair, and desperation to affect change in any active way, have some comfort in continuity, clarity in something.
As I sat with it, and as it began to clear, I really got to see the result of the clearing. There is now this ongoing capacity to just be present. This has been growing all weekend in a new way and I’ve been talking about it, but it’s like the gathering momentum of this next level-up pushed what was left of this old structure up and out sharpish (yes, ouch), and now the new (or the natural!) is grounded and expanding again. Now, I have this capacity to allow the experience of whatever I’m feeling in the moment to just be, not by ignoring it, or by even simply allowing it, but by allowing it AND turning towards it fully, witnessing with curiosity, listening to what it’s telling me, knowing it’s telling me something, but not ‘to be worked out’ or on, but just informing my expansion and deepening experience of me. I seem to have this ability now to quite literally pull back my attention into observer mode; it feels quite physically like stepping back in my head, and the neutrality goes up, and it’s like I’m watching a movie of me, a story that’s just being watched.
(This is definitely a synergy of elements because this is all a theme of so many group focuses I’ve been participating in – the Legion of Light, the Freedom Soar-Fest, Amber Hartnell‘s free introduction to Orgasmolution (not sure if that link will work if you aren’t in the Band of Light but it’s Amber’s own words so wanted to add!), Elijah Ray’s 30-day Video Challenge in the Band of Light, Aisha’s Gatherings at the Pond – and I find that more and more I am feeling how I am expanding and being expanded by these things and, most excitingly, what form my joyful participation has been and is taking.)
And this neutral mode, of course, has been expanding over this whole journey, and especially consciously in the last six months, but this is a big feeling difference. So much more present to what is, a deep knowing that that is the most loving place to have my attention, and indeed, the only place to have my attention to keep the new flowing in in the easiest, most graceful and fastest way possible. Let the reflections unfold without resistance. It’s helped me see how, I have been so good at allowing, at loving what arises, at watching and observing. But I have gotten to see the emotional resistance I have had up til now – which is totally understandable! And often a resistance to the resistance. It’s like something will happen that feels old, and I’ll have a dip in my joy, followed by a sort of painful drooping, like ‘oh man I wish it didn’t have to be this way any more, after all this time and work’, followed by exhaustion at still having to live in it, followed by ‘oh shit I should just be allowing all this, and listening and not creating more of it by resisting (my favourite mental irony!)’ and generally some internal kickback around reacting like that and the need to be neutrally focused and cultivate what I do want, followed by not wanting to put any effort in at all and letting it all unfold, followed by frustration at my internal incoherence (!), followed by….and it all goes round and round. Continuous mental firework…
This next grounded expansion has quite literally created more space between me and this experience. I can see the endless, reactive and subtle judgments, which I knew were there, but was still in the prevailing structure of to this level, so had no way of changing it other than noticing and allowing it through. I feel how great it has been to trust that for myself and let it unfold in it’s own way because that has allowed space to form where I would have tried to control. Now, I can pull back and watch the story, feel all of it, and it doesn’t affect me emotionally in that tangled way in this perspective, because the spaciousness knows it’s a story, an experience, and one that’s shifting now, and now, and now into more LOVE. So rather than feeling it and allowing it but wishing it was different, it’s like now I just feel it and allow it and stay present to it without judging it as something I don’t want any more. It’s like now I know it’s not me, and that I am free enough not to feel bound by my emotional response to experiences, even by the experiences. And now, I know if I just love it and let it through, my natural state can flow in more and more and more.
And, as is always the case, and feels SO important, I can feel how I couldn’t have that clarity without this amount of ME arriving in-body. That all the tools we have help us to try to create or allow a state we can feel to a certain level, and the trying/allowing/any effort we make simply creates enough space for the natural love perspective to come in and get grounded, and this lifts us then naturally, effortlessly and so on. Incremental embodiment. I feel that’s why my inner guidance has switched so profoundly to ALLOW after so many years of WORK. And although I can feel how just letting go always ends up here, I can testify that humanly I couldn’t have let go without enough of ME in here showing me how, as a natural state; the rest of the time I have had to work so hard just trying to understand. And actually I trust that’s the point, and that’s what I wanted, and continue to want. The perspectives this tension creates are M A S S I V E and there is such mind-blowing contrast.
So yesterday was an entire day of observing and marvelling and exploring this sensation of spacious allowing. For example, when I am with people I can always feel how they aren’t receiving me to whatever extent I can feel at the time, whether they are aware of it or not. One of the joys of awakening! (Actually it is, because at least I can understand it and choose love for myself now rather than being continually crippled by it for the other 20 years or so!) Up ’til this weekend I would feel it, notice it, allow it, feel sad about it, think ‘I wish it/they/I could feel differently about it’. Basically, subtly, have a response and judge the response. Totally understandable – being rejected, however subtly is not HOME to me and I haven’t had enough of home within yet to be able to allow it more fully. But yesterday, all day was like a long, flowing, evolving experience of feeling where I was being met or not, and how, feeling the harmony or discomfort, and just letting it be my experience and feeling fully into it. Just allowing it to be my experience and inviting it further in. And I was so aware then of how I hadn’t been able to do that in that way before, with great clarity and peace, and that it wasn’t because I wasn’t fuctioning at my highest available level, or not doing/being enough! It’s simply because the more ME I have going on, the more my natural experience of everything is available. So now a new level is here, I can explore it with my conscious awareness.
The thing about this is, it’s like I am bigger, my love is more embodied, HOME is a stronger conscious and material experience, so I have room to actually enjoy this interaction with this universe of mine as it turns up, without feeling so constricted and battered by it or like I’m having it forced upon me, however subtle that feeling is. My natural freedom and love nature being more consciously present means that I have space to feel and understand how this is all an evolving experience heading towards more joy, more bliss, more peace. I can feel so much more viscerally the desire for the contrast, and the key is that the contrast is not judged, just experienced – I am feeling literally how simple it is that the more of you is present, the more neutral all experiences are. Your perspective shifts into a love-filled one that’s just about you, centred upon your own sensations, but it doesn’t judge them. You don’t feel something and go ‘Oh I hate that that’s not what I want’, it’s more like ‘Oh I am feeling that about that experience, interesting! So what’s next?’ It’s amazing really. I’m looking forward to it becoming more grounded and familiar because I can feel more of the immense freedom arriving with it.
But as ever, it’s just. so. ridiculously. normal. There is this peace with the way the world is, however it presents. Not because it suits what you think you want, but because it’s just what you are showing yourself, and the neutral heart loves it all, values it all as what you must want to be learning about YOU right now, without even thinking about it really. It’s like ‘Well woohoo! Oooh yes I feeeel the expansion that that pain is bringing me, how intense! How amazing! Ah it’s hurting there, so hi Sara, I’ve got you, it’s just fine, what do you need? Oh you’re fine, oh FAB! Well, then, this experience, it’s just so INTERESTING isn’t it…?’ And so on…and it’s simply that this is more of my natural state, and I’ve allowed more of it. That’s literally all.
And I have been feeling so strongly, so often, that it’s this that is crucial for April, for these Eclispes, this Grand Cross. Like moment-by-moment allowing and non-judgement, which can only come with expanding levels of self-love and trust, is what allows me to be central to, and grounding and riding the incredible light coming in more and more and more. And that if you are central to those Cross energies, you are riding the most intensely amazing, balanced, visceral power for change, grounding it, being moved by it and moving it. But it’s the neutrality, the non-judgement, the allowing that opens you up to the light, the flow, the intense amazingness of power and movement that’s building, that we are manifesting, that we are calling forth and weaving into the New Earth fabric of LOVE.
And that’s why I wanted to write a Love Note to Self, (I actually find myself in like a constant Love Note to Self a lot of the time!) and to you in this way, because the more the process unfolds, the more I understand that all this time that it’s ME arriving that makes this all so effortless and possible. And those parts of me that have felt such pain, and loneliness and separation and been trying so hard to fix it and get somewhere and done such endless work have more and more of my endless compassion because I can see how close to impossible it is to be beyond these restrictive and lack-based structures when you’re in them. My god, the amount of struggle and effort and excruciating confusion and despair it has taken to get free in my journey here. There are not enough cuddles in the multiverse to redress that balance. But that’s just fine, because that’s how I wanted it, and the experience of LOVE me just sort of transcends and includes it all anyway.
But, you know, that’s why I love me extra now, seeing what an epic undertaking this has been and continues to be. Each time I have a embodiment-expansion, this loving appreciation is renewed and bigger and more encompassing. And that’s why I love you too, so easily and naturally and so passionately. Because in our pained, confused, desperate places, we show ourselves our own courage. And our own w i l d l y adventurous natures. This is like the extreme sports club of the universe, man! FULL ON!!! I could write so so much more about this… 😉
And ME, the LOVE, just doesn’t want it any other way; no exclusion, no disposal, no separation, just the ability to sovereignly experience it all as an epic love-journey of self-discovery, reflection, expansion and experience, and embodying ourselves to the next level is how that can be unfolded in full glory. And so it is. And so we will. And so WE ARE.
Phew, anyone fancy a cup of tea and some cookies? ♡