Personally, this one was a little outrageous. I say that knowing it probably wouldn’t have looked like that to anyone else but I am actually a lot more sensitive to these than I usually notice because a) I feel like I have an easier physical time with these things for reasons I have talked about before, and probably will again, possibly even below… and b) I have cultivated an immense ease and grace in my general experience (if little else! Haha) and so anything that moves away from that always feels massively out-of-flow and tantrum-worthy to me!
It has become much clearer to me lately just what a fantastic job of cultivating ease and grace I have done in the last year, and it feels so organic – it’s a spherical, integrated expansion of perspective, refining standards, intentional manifesting and request/dialogue with ME (for which you could read: quite a lot of internal shouting 😉 ). But essentially, though nothing of what we have all worked towards and can literally FEEL in almost every single way now heart-wise has manifested in any big life ways yet for me (though it is for others now, which is ridiculously exciting), everything flows for me, with more and more synchronicity, and is often totally – and pretty instantly – magic (even if it’s all completely within the confines of this continuing restricted reality!). This is especially obvious when there’s something presenting that I think I want a certain way or don’t want at all, and without fail, if I listen to everything I feel about it, and turn it over to ME with trust (and – when possible – excitement) and ask for whatever is most joyful/aligned, it works perfectly, and always differently to what I was thinking.
So that’s why, post-Equinox, I got a l i t t l e bit bemused by the sudden drop in ease and grace that occurred. It all still worked as described above, but it was like the standards that define my manifest experience were reduced to ones from a while ago! It was odd. I found myself in situations which – though familiar and pretty mild as experiences go (by most 3D standards!) – were most definitely not preferable for me, and had the oddest deja vu of having no way out of them and no say in the matter other than expressing what I felt to myself and trusting me and carrying on. (On that note, saw a brilliant joke which captures this sooo well: ‘Deja poo…the feeling you’ve seen this crap before.’ Erm, poignant.). It was w e i r d. Not because I haven’t had plenty of experience of that, but because I haven’t had that level of it for a looong time, by my standards.
My mind had a mini-tangle while it asked questions like ‘What the hell? Why is this happening? Surely this isn’t inner me being reflected?? Shit, is there MORE to work through after everything?! NO! Please NO! I LIKE the new BEing thing – it feels a ma z i n g!!’ Okay that last bit isn’t a question, but it was where all my mini thought-tangles ended up. And through a combination of patience, synchronicity, a lot of self-love and reading this from Matt Kahn (part of the synchronicity as I haven’t been there for months), I arrived at a growing perspective that has actually been the basis of what’s now emerging from the new moon (and a bit before – I get these things early, usually).
First off, my immediate intuition – alongside the mind tangles 😉 – was that the Equinox was SO big, the light it brought was pushing a whole layer of structure up and out (i.e. a whole structure of being, not just a Sara-wound based on this life experience). This was supported by my experience on the Equinox, which was truly wondrous. I was at Chalice Well in Glastonbury – which is like vibrational home to me – and all day I could just feel the magical, sparkling newness arriving, through me, as me, me unfolding it, being it, grounding it, expanding it, loving it. It was fantastic. Then ensued the weirdness, so it made sense because the new was so strong, so tangible, so REAL. It was just so different to any post-expansion clearing I had had because it was so subtle and all-pervasive and had no particular Sara-theme or topic it was dealing with (like inner child wounding etc.). I felt like I was being pushed a little too much in old ways – too much social stuff, for example, and not in my usually joyful ways – and in a format that I couldn’t really change without a tremendous amount of active effort.
But then, mixed into that were some great opportunities – to speak my truth to a new level of authenticity for one – and also I had some delicious busy-ness that flowed along with the less pleasant busy-ness! My abundance had a little surge and I was able to buy lots of yummy food (this has been the general height of my abundance experience for years now so it’s always delightful!), and I then had two days of lovely solitude mixed with much rest, peace and some joyful times with souls I love. This is why it was so odd to my mind. It was like it was all mixed in together – structural dissolving and newness all merged – and it was so subtle and uncomfortable and yet totally manageable if I just kept flowing along!
And then I got a massive cold, which I still have; and it’s had two stages! The first felt like a clearing in preparation for the new moon, and it was accompanied by some moments of pure frustration as little things went awry. I wanted to print a knitting pattern to start a project, for example (this one of my few creative outlets!), and was so enjoying the thought of starting and was pottering along happily, but then the printer randomly wouldn’t print…it loaded the paper but wouldn’t go any further. I tried for a good 15 minutes – unusual for me in itself – because I couldn’t believe that it wouldn’t just work if I focused lovingly, but it didn’t. I know this seems hilariously trivial – and it is – but it’s only these things that turn up in this way now. And, as always, it’s never about the event or it’s effect – I’m very happy to just flow along and so this stuff incredibly rarely happens for me anyway – it’s about the result it has in my mind and heart and energy in general. Because almost instantly I’m like, ‘What the fuck? Seriously? After everything I’ve been through and everything I am being now, I can’t just have this knitting pattern? When I have so little else in physical life that’s joyful? REALLY???’ I get incandescent pretty instantly, and I really don’t like being incandescent – it’s not me. And I think this is really the point actually – the frustration now isn’t at not having the thing, it is pretty much exclusively ‘Why is this STILL like this AT ALL…?’ when it seems there’s nothing to do but be and trust and let all this not-yet-new roll on through.
And the thing is, I know essentially it isn’t that simple – I love all of life and it is endlessly physically joyful in many ‘normal’ ways, it’s just it doesn’t match up – not even remotely close – to what my inner life feels like. It feels so much – and has for ages – as if I have all but entirely left the old life but haven’t yet arrived in the new. So the physical situations have mini variations, they get incrementally more peaceful, easier, more graceful, they have bigger moments of abundance and more new flowing underneath. Yet they are still just the same old (very restricted) temporary waiting spaces while we transform (I really resonate with the way Karen Bishop describes this in her ascension posts on this) and we all do an astounding job of existing patiently and peacefully in them. But when I have moments where the flow ceases (even for moments), I get to see the sheer size of the difference between where I live internally and where I live externally, and incandescent frustration is the usual representation!
It passes pretty instantly too if I just move on to something else, because I really don’t live there any more, and in some ways these moments show me just how amazing it is that I am so peaceful and joyful so much of the time in a manifest reality that only barely does lip service to my inner world. My mind has great fun over this. When I say fun, I mean it says things like, ‘Ah! You must have more to do Sara because you know your world is simply a reflection of your inner state.’ That kind of mind-type amusement/torture 😯 It’s just, the closer we get to full newness, the more painful it is to feel anything else, and it gets more unbearable to experience these moments, which is why my reactions are so massive and unpleasant for me, and also why they are over so quickly.
Then we have the new moon. It felt to me as if this cold was like a crossover between Equinox structure-shifting and new moon preparation. It felt like the new moon really was bringing the beginnings of all this square and cross energy coming up at Easter-time. And these pockets of frustration – and I also found I had a really sensitive (low) tolerance level for giving to others energetically – were like a tune-up and a heads-up, because this new moon was very close to my Sun-Chiron degree, linking to – rather than on – the degree (13) that all this big stuff happens on around 22nd/23rd, so it felt like a personal opportunity for clearing and awareness around the energy that’s coming.
Erm, it was poky. Really poky. But it was also incredibly dynamic, excited, joyful, creative, fast-moving and massively enthusiastic when it wasn’t pushing my (very old and tired) buttons. And I’m feeling hopeful that it was like a little prod for me now so that I won’t have this kind of response in the same way when the big stuff happens because the big stuff isn’t directly personal to me degree-wise. Yet it’s so big and global that I know it will be huge – of course! It’s simply that now I’ve been Grand-Cross-immunised if you like, and so I can be much more aware of the potential effects on my energy and ride/ground them appropriately. This is me being hopeful and enjoying it 😉
Also, I woke up with a really sore neck on Sunday – like I had been sleeping with it twisted for hours – which is also incredibly unusual for me. Mum offered to massage it (she’s an awesome massage therapist) and so at pretty much exactly the time of the new moon she was massaging my neck and shoulder on my right side. I like to know what is going on in sessions generally so I was asking how my glands were under my jaw, and she said that my left one was fine – soft and yielding – but my right was absolutely full and felt very solid. I started to describe my sense of it (because one or both of them is always like that), which was like my whole immune system has always been working flat-out my entire life and is really so symbolic for me and how I have been with energy and other people in general (i.e. an unconscious sponge and transmuter). Then as I said the phrase ‘Yes, it’s like it’s been exhaustedly and quietly just getting on with it for years now – a bit like me really!’ the whole gland just cleared! We were both really surprised because the whole thing just shifted instantly, like my words had released that self-truth from its physical manifestation. I enjoyed that.
And then my cold changed and since Sunday I have been shifting the most incredible amount of gunk and had lots of strange dreams and aches – especially in my spine/back of my heart-chakra. I feel like I have been having one of the biggest all-over physical clean-ups ever in a pretty graceful manner, and it feels good, and like I don’t really have to ‘know’ much, just tune in with me and how I am when I feel to. I’m excited to see what’s on the other side of it, especially since I have read so many things that have been huge confirmations of a really big physical turning in this process happening now (this is like a whole-being sense for me!), and really heightened my conscious awareness of all these things. There’s definitely been a whole new level of self-focus and self-curiosity and loving self-inquiry inspired by such writings as this from Sandra Walter, and this from Aluna Joy, which resonated massively with me. Oh, hah! And my message from Jeshua…I tend to forget because these message are so seamlessly part of (and then expand magically upon) my own experiences.
It’s just like this time is feeling more and more like it’s a truly stupendous, magical and moment-to-moment process, like this is the only way to be in the flow of this stage, and that all the other stages prepare us for this full letting go and flowing along for the ride…woohoo, frankly! More on this later I think – many, many thoughts on this… 🙂
In the meantime, loving you all, and thought writing this might help me get clearer on the whole thing, since it usually does! And that can only ever help in general, so, yay, and if it supports anything for you lovelies, well, awesome! Off for cake and tea now! Ooh and then the NEW SOAR-FEST from Meredith!! WOO! Haha, can you tell I’m not frustrated right now…?
See you later… ♡