As I sat down to write this I was thinking ‘but this is all seeming so obvious now, just like it’s all getting sooo simple and just like different, deeper versions of everything we all already know!’. I’m probably repeating stuff I’ve said before (really can’t remember again!). Yet it’s getting richer and richer and more expansive and SO COOL so I’m just going to keep pondering about it in word form until the joy takes me elsewhere. And in the meantime hope the words actually makes sense… 😯
So on Saturday, I was pottering about in the wondrous Spring sunshine outside and I saw this absolutely beautiful little pink snail shell next to the house. It had obviously been collected from somewhere and placed there, so I remarked on it to my mum, who said ‘Oh yes, I know! It’s so pretty isn’t it? It just arrived on the river bank one day!’ It immediately inspired me to take pictures, as you can see.
The thing was, this was the most simply beautiful snail shell I had ever seen. And my first reaction to it was ‘Oh my God, that’s just like me! If I were going to be a snail shell, that’s the closest I have ever seen to what I would be like!’ Followed by, ‘Oh my god that’s an outrageous thought! Bloody egotistical brain!’ Followed by, ‘Hah Sara, you are so cute, what in the world makes you think you aren’t allowed to think and believe you are that beautiful…?’ And a great deal of amused bewilderment that that conversation still. even. happens.
And regardless of all spirituo-logical trains of thought around ‘it’s ALL me’ and knowing that of course I am that beautiful and so on, this kind of internal conversation is one that has been defining my conscious experience pretty much constantly in 2014 (as for all the other years of ‘ascending’ 😯 ), with the major difference being that the loving, amused, delighted voice that gently laughs with those places in me that are still uncomfortable with my own glory, is by far and away the most powerful voice in there. In fact, I would go so far as to say it’s the only one really, in some subtle and complete way, because it’s the one coaxing and guiding all the others out of hiding to play, and so into full freedom…
(By the way, another of those little voices said ‘Oh my God, you can’t write that about being beautiful on the blog! What will people think!’ This is obviously my response…. )
The thing is, this – again – is like Spiritual 101. Well, duh! I have the right to shine, to be fully me, to be free. Yep. And I myself am surprised that there are still so many bits and pieces of this stuff still coming up. Yet I trust that implicitly now, especially because each of these pieces seem to expand me in new ways so effortlessly. It’s just, what’s happening is that my experience – my embodied experience of that truth in self-freedom – is becoming so profound, so normal, so rich, so consciously present and expanding, that I’m feeling like I’ve entered into a whole new realm with it in the last week. It’s like I am becoming this clear pool upon which any surface disturbances or ripples are so obvious that they are immediately listened to and expanded through. And that they really only are surface disturbances now! It’s so lovely.
Plus, because it’s so palpably MY process now, it means any time I’m feeling disconnected or discomforted or anything other than lovely, it’s soooo much easier to trust it because it’s just mine. Not just some bloody ridiculous insanity called ascension that we have so little conscious access too and no bloody control over whatsoever 😉
After weeks – or even months – of feeling it there in the background to differing extents, it’s finally tangible as me, as Sara. And this ‘it’ I’m referring to is like this sense that I AM this river of sparkling, live starlight, moving at warp speed into a new focus, and what’s happening is there is barely any gap now between that starlight sense of who I AM, and Sara. It’s like this ongoing dialogue within me that’s unfolding and expanding is what it would feel like if that river of starlight rolled up its sleeves up and said ‘Right! Let’s get this Sara-human bit fully aligned so we can get to the good stuff!’ And dove right in to the elbows and started rewiring and rummaging and adding stuff in with my advice and assistance. Constant, conscious, willing tune-up and integration and recalibration. Constant co-creating with myself!
And so those waves of purification followed by surge of newness, followed by w a v e s of purification have taken on a whole new kind of sensation (and I would recommend this message from Meredith Murphy for another viewpoint on such new new new senses of being that are emerging – it describes so well why I can’t put most of my experiences into words any more!!). The basic pattern is still the same, but it’s SO fast and sort of simultaneous and so much more conscious and integrated. I’ll expand, I’ll gently cultivate, I’ll listen and gently feel into more LOVE, then there’ll be feelings of discomfort, sadness, tiredness, blahs, frustration, and I’ll trust and listen and sit with it and then it’ll expand again. Sometimes minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes a day of releasing, and often it’s all happening simultaneously and each part is informing the other. But now it feels like a truly conscious alchemy. There’s no more ‘Sara is being done to”, it’s ‘Sara is totally co-creating this show with herself!’ Honestly, it’s magic.
I have had an amazing fortnight of being shown another layer of not giving myself permission to be fully me. A wonderful new friend has gifted me this opportunity and it has moved me FAST and is still ongoing. Since that’s how I like it… Oh it has been fantastic because I shifted so quickly into this new space of gentle permission this mirror experience created for me. And it moved me so gracefully into a much more conscious awareness of the new level this process has upped into.
And so the example…So, there are so many amazing souls out there that have really supported and led the leading edge publicly in so many ways, and I have noticed in the last year that, all of a sudden, I have become personally connected in different ways with my three main inspirations, who have all been so crucial to my survival and sanity on this crazy path, through their commitment to shining their light with such determination and love. It struck me how flabbergasted Sara-of-six-years-ago (or even one year!) would have been if she could have known that I would even have been brave enough to email these people, let alone have wondrous dialogue with them or love them as soul-friends, because they were so ‘spiritually’ f a m o u s in my world, and experienced and knowledgable. And I have been paying attention to that because this feels like such a fantastic confirmation for me of my self-love and confidence.
And then! And then, lately I have been noticing so strongly where my experience doesn’t match theirs. So strongly sometimes. And for most of the last half of last year it bothered me so much because – as I can so clearly see now – I considered their viewpoint to be more important and valuable than mine, and that I should be aligning with theirs because they are obviously so much better at this than me. I have known and been living the concept that tells me otherwise and been working with and listening to the discomfort – and at this point I feel we are all dealing with such deep and subtle stuff that there’s no point in being like ‘Whaaaat is that still doing there’! – but this last week has literally shifted me into a whole new level of self-empowerment and permission in this area.
Because, yesterday I was reading something one of them had written, and I found myself thinking ‘Oh good lord that sounds like such a lot of hard work and I really just don’t feel that’s how it is at all any more and loads of love for that but it feels soooo much easier from where I am’. Then I stopped short and thought ‘Whaaaaaat??’ Because a week ago I would have had the same old reaction inside – albeit vastly smaller with each passing day – which said something like ‘oh God I really don’t like that but perhaps I’m not being realistic and should work harder because this person says it is how it is and they are so awesome that I should really trust their viewpoint more’. Then, after a pause, something in me (well all of me actually) just went ‘FUUUUUCK WOOOHOOOOO I’m FREEEEEEEE!’
Because there was no resistance to the words I was reading really, no need for them to agree with my sense of how this is all happening, no guilt for daring to disagree with someone with so much experience, no urge to defer. Just this calm, loving, delighted feeling from within that said ‘Oh thank God I don’t have to think like that any more, because I LOVE how this is all so easy and graceful for me because I’m just being me and I love everyone’s version of this, but mine is mine and I TRUST IT, and maybe, just maybe, I’m really effing good at this too’. Bloody marvellous. And it creates so much more space for me to love them for their version! Which is all I wanted anyway and why I worked so hard on all these reactions I have had…oh the simple power of self-love, eh…?
And you know what, I’m going to detail how I am feeling all this at the moment because I am loving the urge to just describe why I love being me right now! Here is what has been emerging and making sense to me in the last six months…
I was saying to a lovely friend back in January that the main reason I really don’t resonate with all the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ around this process – diet, grounding, constant diligence, controlling your frequency, etc – is not because all of these approaches and tools are not completely wondrous and valid (when they are valid), but because I am not giving up the tyranny of a 3D existence for the tyranny of a 5D one! That seems impossible to me really, if impossibility were possible. (Hahaha God I enjoyed that sentence.)
I mean, bloody hell! What is the point in working so hard to change our structures and systems to allow our true selves to BE here, working on our grounding, our thought patterns, our emotional states etc, if we then have to – EVERY DAY – ground ourselves, stay tuned to our joy, practice our boundaries, keep our vibrations high…? That to me does not make sense. At all.
Or rather, it makes perfect sense, and I don’t like it, nor do I think it is where I am heading, or what any of this is about! To me, freedom is freedom. Full. Complete. What’s the point of doing the work, just to move into another version of…doing the work?
Simply put, the way I see it, tools are tools. They get the job done, and when they are not the appropriate tools any more you put them down and you find other ones..and so on and so on until the concept of work and tools becomes either unrecognisable or obsolete (which is what I feel is happening/has happened now). That’s part of mastery for me, and THAT is why I have come more and more to know that self-love is the ONLY ingredient I find central to this entire process because when you give yourself permission – because you SO LOVE AND TRUST who you are – to listen to your own personalised, intimate process and hear what’s right for you in every moment, the tools are right there, and they are there for the perfect amount of time. If you hang on to them or depend on them, in my experience, they will get taken away eventually because they are not who you are, and so if you attach to them at any level, they will only get in the way of you discovering more of yourself beyond where they can take you.
So, for me, eventually the work ends, and the being begins, in an organic, intermingled manner, if so far is anything to go by…And the way this happens, as I’m feeling it, is that the self-love allows for self-trust, and the self-trust allows for permission for your discernment to get so loving that it is really completely irrelevant what anyone else thinks or how anyone else goes about this, unless it joyfully inspires your own process. I realise that I have never been interested in anyone agreeing with me, actually (under all the wishing they would so I could feel good about myself for once) only in having the confidence to be able to do and be things in my own way without feeling like a failure for being different and therefore wrong. And now I see that in such delightful ways!
For me, the whole point of this process is so that we don’t have to process in this way any more! To move our focus away from pain and fear and into full love and joy and bliss and such new human ways of j u s t being. For me, to believe that I have to work hard to maintain any of it is so exhausting that I can’t even begin to describe, and this has been coming for at least a year now, so it’s heaven to be feeling such deep permission to just be this ‘in action’ (so to speak 😉 ) now.
Finally I have realised, really deeply, why I suddenly started getting so irrationally angry with certain public spiritual figures, why I suddenly got so frustrated with ‘advice’, why I suddenly lost any interest WHATSOEVER in the effort required to control my thoughts, change or release my responses and emotions, attempt in any way to exert authority over my energy, be diligent for anything ‘not matching up to where I want to be’. And that is because, my loving self was whispering to me, oh so gently, of what really makes my heart sing, and gradually that whispering has become a fully-fledged and heavenly song.
And it says, (or rather sings) that in my wondrous LOVE world, there is no work, there is no maintenance, there is no effort whatsoever. There is just the freedom to be me, in joyful, flowing, gentle, abundant freedom, and that to begin to just trust this and be this is actually the way to allow the new to arrive FULLY. The only way to ‘match it’ vibrationally. To trust it to unfold naturally without any conscious shaping other than joyful participation. And however obvious it may seem, I can attest to just how odd and impossible this seems to my mind because those old methods so massively relied upon by the spiritual ego insist that, since we are ‘not there yet’ we must be mindful and diligent and maintain our frequency and continue working because otherwise we will not make it because we do not yet match up.
Except, we do! We always have! Being perfect and whole and all, and having simply forgotten…For me, it has been so important to understand and shift everything I have needed to understand and shift, and yet now, I seriously and delightedly trust my heart-voice – which is getting stronger and stronger – which says that I already know everything I need to to know and be in every single moment because I already did and always have and have ‘done enough’ to trust me as ME and let it unfold itself with ease and grace. And if I continue to ‘be diligent’ about everywhere I am not ‘matching up’ frequentially to the New then that’s what I’ll keep creating…ah so simple.
Because I. know. how. this. works. Not necessarily consciously, humanly! But within me are all my answers. All of them. And so following my joy, listening, cultivating and creating when it feels lovely, and letting wisdom-ous (as my aunt would say) me unfold myself is suddenly not only the most peaceful and freeing experience I have ever known, and the most exciting and joyful, it’s also the most logical, the most productive and the most sensible. Go figure.
Because now, it seems abundantly clear that this is about consciously closing the gap between human and divine, and consciously we are the bridge. So I am being my own bridge. And I am doing that by following the feeling of new (because that’s where I want to continue going!) – joy, bliss, peace, inspiration, excitement, creation – and allowing and loving anything else that comes up knowing and feeling it shifting out of my focus at light speed. And informing me of more of myself on the way.
Because for me this has never been about deferring to God, or my angels, or even ‘my higher self’, this is about deferring to MYSELF, as all-that-is, as all the different focuses of ME that I can or cannot sense consciously yet. Now I understand why that ‘higher will deferment’ has never felt entirely comfortable to me as a concept. I have never been able to sit in that automatic separation created by that concept because that didn’t feel like freedom to me, that felt like handing my freedom away, so subtly. So even though working through and with that and aligning myself with it in so many ways has prepared me to be this now, and even though I understand why that is perfect for so many people, now it really is just me, knowing that having my focus there, feeling all of ME that I have experienced as separate from human for so long coming into my conscious experience, I am closing the gap that was never there in the first place. My human focus is expanding, and I am letting it. Joyfully!
So, as I am experiencing it right now, there is nothing to be done, but being. As I keep saying, and yet as I keep experiencing more and more deeply. Only allowing, expanding, delighting in the richness of self that emerges. And trusting trusting trusting my own sense of this unique process and loving everything that comes up to be released in whatever way. Because all of ME, whether I am consciously aware of it or not, knows how to do this in the most incredible way for me, for ME, for me. As you do for you. And by just enjoying being me, listening and surrendering to myself and the joy I am following in every moment, I am allowing that to unfold, I am allowing myself to change and expand without needing to understand, even if I do a lot of the time! I am allowing everything I could ever want and everything I don’t know I want yet (but I assure you I do!) to come into my conscious human experience without any effort whatsoever. And I love that discovering myself in this way again is often so joyous that my mind doesn’t even need proof that this is all going to be more than we dreamed anyway.
I guess, for me, it seems more and more obvious that our divine joyful focus is in being human, in being physical right here right now, because otherwise we wouldn’t have bodies, and all this wouldn’t be unfolding. So after all this work, all this clearing, all this space made and structures dissolved, surely the easiest and most graceful way to trust and enjoy it all is to BE human. Fully. Letting all the mess hang out, if it seems there is any. Because by doing this, being this, I’m discovering that there reeeeally isn’t much left at all. Trusting that everything else of our fuller selves that’s coming into this human experience knows exactly how to reorganise our selves for whatever is next, and so following the joy, attending to anything still being untangled as and when it comes up, with love, and being with and in and of it all is just kind of all there is to allowing that to happen, and aligning more and more fully with that inner knowing.
And what I love most about all of this is the growing feeling that, in this increasingly-expanded love and trust of Sara as ME, I am able to enjoy the uniqueness of everyone else SO MUCH MORE. And to support their own self-trust and confidence so much more just by being and sharing me however I like. And I realise I have yearned for that under all the fear and exhaustion and automatic-responsibility-for-others’-emotional-state that has been my experience of human connections for so long. And finally I am actually finding I am able to be that to so much fuller extents.
There is soooo much more I want to write about this, and probably this is one of the biggest tensions for me at the moment is not having enough joy energy to do so most of the time! And yet – fantastically – I can feel myself hugging Sara with glee because all of this tells me that the New is arriving in conscious earnest and at incredible speeds now, and I – and we! – are calling it forth. Our human capacity is so grand, guys! It’s so fantastic! And I am LOVING YOU for that, and just because. And just because YOU ARE, and I AM, and it’s all LOVE.
Effing awesome ♡
P.S. Posted this, and immediately found this, from the divine Spicy Fairy, which made me smile with the magic of confirmation…! Thanks Spicy! I love you ♡