Hello my lovelies…ah nice nice nice to be able to write…it’s s l o w l y flowing more. And I have had two Archangel messages developing for a couple of weeks now – hopefully they’ll come out soon too!
I have been wanting to write this post for ages, and I was wondering if I was waiting for something – turns out I was right! In fact, something that’s been really nice is seeing how clear I am on what’s going on for me – what I wrote about last time regarding not trusting my higher levels was SO pertinent…
Since I last wrote, and the last week especially, has been actually really, really difficult. It’s so unusual for me to just say that without any other qualification, but it’s true. I have had some sudden changes that have felt messy and unnatural for me, even as they’ve felt right, and so much discomfort surfacing bit by bit. There’s been so much subtle shift around relationship and interaction and how I have been completely reset without full understanding sometimes, and it’s all led into this one theme, and it felt like it took an age (and frankly two weeks IS an age at this point so it must be HUGE)…and it’s all so perfectly fitting with the astrological themes going on for me right now.
A bit of context for anyone astrologically inclined – the Saturn station this weekend was actually the first of my Saturn return passes so I’m right in it now. A gorgeous friend just remarked how crazy I am to choose for my Saturn return to happen now, of all bloody times. I agree. I also totally understand it, and it’s really all about bringing me fully, physically, divinely online in all ways, on the earth, in full glory, in exact and perfect timing (no, and I mean absolutely NO shortcuts 😉 ). Saturn is the planet for that, especially when it’s on the end of a Mars-Venus yod on my Scorpio ascendent. (Erm woooohooooo! Bill, I know you second that.) I so so resonate with this, and if the last week and what it has brought is anything to go by, it’s working.
So I talked in my last about trusting my higher levels, and this is what has made this week so difficult. I realise now – and as usual, though I logically have always known it, I feel like I can see it fully now – that I have been in and releasing and loving all those parts of me that have considered themselves abandoned and betrayed by my higher levels. Sent into this experience and abandoned to live through the torture of density, with no way out and no lifeline. Losing my conscious creation abilities, my divine connection, my trust and my self-love as I forgot who I really was and learned how to survive in a world without LOVE.
I realise how ridiculous it is to expect myself to feel connected and joyful and create from that place when I am experiencing the parts of me that just don’t believe it’s possible, and most importantly don’t trust it AT ALL. I realise that to these parts of myself, to try to create, to believe in divinity, HOME, my natural love state, to be able to be free, is the sure-fire way to get hurt over and over and over again. And this process has completely proved and reinforced this! Oh my god, has it. Even as I have reconnected and made space for so much of my presence and love and ME in this body, I have been kept in this process, even when everything in me was screaming for release or some ability to create. And no matter how much I understand why, and how many times I have experienced greater and greater clarity and love, this has always been so.
But something happened yesterday that seems to be the light at the end of the looooong tunnel. Even the light that makes the tunnel. I hope so, because my first mind reaction when I had recovered was ‘Oh god I am terrified of what’s next’ because I am so used now to popping out into AWESOME love and clarity, stronger each time, and feeling like I am free, and then being dunked again. And again. And again! Oh guys, you know what I mean!! But it feels so normal that I am trusting my arrival in it whatever happens – and that fear reaction is a natural echo – because, as I have said lots now, when it feels normal, it’s just ME, permanently arrived in greater amounts.
Not meaning to keep you in suspense, sorry! Haha – context described…I shall now relate the actual event…
So, yesterday, I was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea, just loving myself whilst grief and exhaustion and despair rolled through, thinking about how trusting when you can’t trust is the crux of this whole process ad why it’s so difficult, when a parcel arrived that one of my beautiful heart-friends had sent. In it were some truly precious things from when I was little. And as I opened this parcel and lifted out the first thing with a picture of me at about 5 on it, I burst into tears. I was a bit shocked because the tears came out of the blue, even though I was in a grieving place. My first thought was it must be me connecting to my inner child suffering in this context. And it was!
But as I took out my first pair of shoes, so little and blue and so obviously adventured in, and I held one in each hand, the whole thing opened up for me and I could suddenly see that yes, it was that, but it was a whole lot simpler and deeper than that too. After going through the general human sense of abandonment and betrayal by God/Divine/Universe, which I kind of see now like the parent equivalent in a human life, I arrived at what feels so much like the core of EVERYTHING. It’s not God that’s put me through this, it’s me.
I mean, so obvious right? But suddenly it felt profoundly, simply clear. It was just me. I created it, I chose it, I lived it. I asked it of myself, I answered the call. I am God, I am ONE, I am LOVE. There is nothing else but me. No matter how much I knew this before, I can assure you that in this moment, I FELT it, profoundly and clearly. And I found myself with myself, in the middle of everything, holding these tiny shoes, feeling my amazing little self who so embodies my joyful core, just sobbing and saying ‘Im so sorry Sara, I’m so so sorry’.
Not because I have surrendered my freedom to a higher power, or been put through things I didn’t want, but because I had surrendered to me and put myself through it, and all of it is perfectly me and my intentions and choices, and it was time to fully acknowledge that and make it right. There was no blame, no guilt, no resistance. Just me, standing with me, saying sorry with all my heart for the incredible pain and endurance this journey has asked of me, and for the separation I have had to undergo.
It was indescribably obvious, beautiful and powerful. And so so clean. The tears were so pure, and there was so much love, and it was the most necessary thing I have ever felt. And I probably could have cried all day. Because it felt like finally I have come home to me, in a whole manner. Something I have felt more and more for a long time, but somehow yesterday felt complete. Like this was why I have still been resisting, because I had felt powerless and betrayed, and it was really only by my very own self all along. And how can you trust yourself to create a new and abundantly free life for yourself when you don’t trust that same self at the deepest level?
Surely the simplest and most obvious of all, and for me the most profound. And it had the least fanfare and drama I have ever experienced in any of these moments. It just kind of quietly, gently opened like a flower or flowed in like a wave, and there I was, seeing it all so clearly. All the layers make sense now, getting to the core, where I AM. And it so mirrors the whole parent journey perfectly, because essentially the only thing we are retrieving from this process is ourselves, with everyone else in our lives pointing the way. And each of these moments adds to the simplicity and the richness of that.
So now I am tired and feeling the fearful echoes of expectation about there being more like this to do. I so hope I have arrived at a place where this part of the process with the painful squeezing points is done, and Saturn can start to help me create new rather than being the pressure that creates the diamond. Even if there’ll be stuff working through whilst expanding into joy. Christ, I can so cope with that!
What is growing in me now though is really exciting because it really supports this hope! I seem to have lost the urge to try and create anything, which I realise now was very subtly motivated by needing circumstances to be a certain way, and this discomfort is what has made this last week so hard. I see now how I have resisted allowing all this through because my mind is going ‘ Oh God Sara you only have a week until you need somewhere else to go and you’ll never create anything in this state!’. Yeah, I see that now! This seems to be leaving finally, which is unbelieveably awesome because that little voice has been the bane of this recent existence, and in fact this week I have been remembering some of the hell of last year and feeling SO grateful at not having to wake up every morning feeling like I want to die! So grateful for that.
What I feel now is mostly peace. There’s this simple beingness that’s emerging fast, that is even being to feel genuinely excited to hand this all over to ME, which is me, and see what emerges, no matter what the seeming urgency or situation. There’s this stillness that’s realising this is actually FUN. That I might actually trust myself fully now, might finally have reconnected at core, and can now just focus on loving whatever needs more loving and let my physical world unfold in whatever way is most supportive to that, until such a time as I am ready to get more consciously involved again. It feels like a balance that I need from having to work so hard – to just be and let me unfold, really and truly, for the first time ever.
And also, interesting, I realised that for the first time I have actually truly been able to recognise the service I have done for this planet. And this means this amazing service you have done too, oh awesome ascension buddies! I realise I have resisted this before, for a few subtle reasons, even if, as usual, I have known it logically. But now it just feels like, oh man, I have given and endured an incredible amount to ensure this movement into LOVE is possible for all, and now I can fully FEEL that, it’s time to balance that at the deepest level by receiving the full new myself. This feels so obvious now and it’s such a relief to feel it and own it.
And I know that on the other side of this rebalancing the joy will be in EVERYTHING and I can be the way I have felt and yearned for for so long, because I love supporting and growing with people and I know that when I have rebalanced fully through joyful newness, this will be a pure and soaring joy for me and I won’t have to constantly be aware of the effects of energetic give and take just to stay balanced. I think I’ll have to write more on that because it’s become sooo clear for me how I truly and joyfully am in this.
And so now, this phrase that has been in my mind constantly for about three weeks, makes it’s full synchronicity known – I just keep hearing the question ‘What is joyfully arising for you right now, Sara?’. And it’s been following this that got me here, because that’s what met the ‘panic voice’ head-on that said ‘Don’t be ridiculous woman! You can’t just fanny about relaxing and peacefully loving yourself and just pottering in whatever way feels joyful, you have to deal with this impending crisis and CREATE something, anything! Do something, anything!’ After years of mental tyranny and endless process, it seems I have finally engineered my freedom from this voice, and I think this is confirmed by me finally be able to say thank you to it for the stirling job it’s done of helping me survive this crazy sojourn in density and inform it that it really could join the fun now.
Because it seems to me that following what joyfully arises is it, really. And after so many deepening knowings of this, after naming a blog after it and writing and talking about it extensively, and feeling it to be so right and embodying it more and more, it finally feels fully possible and real to me to actually be able to live it and trust it in every moment AS ME unfolding. Really simply, without effort of any kind. Because it really is all. just. me.
So, we’ll see. There are no expectations and no needs in this, and if there are any more they’ll most definitely be flushed out pretty darn quickly. There’s just attention, listening, loving, being, and not-knowing with joy. And this, finally, actually feels like rest. Like HOME.
I am loving you all so much and looking forward to more creating in this direction now…And I so wanted to describe this, even if it seems so self-evident! Thank you, Saturn…whatever next, eh? ♡