Oh beloveds…what a month it has been! Amazing, oddly more difficult than ever before, oddly more joyful than ever before. Oddly simpler and also more complex than ever before. More and more ME than ever before. And being more ME has certainly been the theme, developing slowly (from my perspective 😉 ) from all areas. Lucky I don’t really need my mind to make sense of these things any more, eh…? 😉
It has been so strange to be so generally silent on all communication levels, and not all that comfortable to begin with, and yet it feels in some ways the most nourishing thing I have ever done, brought me into more familiar and intimate contact with my true self than I have felt before, even though this is emerging slowly and I am still mostly in purifying mode.
It’s more the sense of permission I feel getting stronger and stronger in my conscious self – just be you, Sara, as you wish, as you feel, trust yourself, that really is all. That identifying myself with anything other than me, my essential self, must be consciously chosen because it must be neutrally approached in order to be freely embraced and enjoyed. This includes ascension, and I have been hearing this for a while. I have been surprised how difficult that has been to let go of as my complete purpose for being!, and I’m still working/receiving/relaxing on that. Though it’s become SO much freer, and it’s lovely to sense that right now.
Last night I found myself lying in bed in the middle of the night, just sobbing my heart out in the most pure sense of grief. I haven’t had a time like that for a while – I probably wrote it about here whenever it was (who needs a memory, right?) – and what struck me most powerfully as I was letting it come, was how pure it really was. There was no anger, no frustration, just pure heart pain. I found myself really acknowledging how I just don’t want this life any more. I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t want one more day of this process. I don’t want one more day of feeling so much old stuff – wanting so much new and unable to move beyond endless purifying/cleansing/integrating.
And at the same time, I don’t want to leave. I have no intention of it! I feel so much excitement, joy, exhilaration, passion for being here in this body on this planet and exploring it to the ultimate expansion. I’m not going anywhere. And this sense of paradox, of contrast was so simple to hold and acknowledge. And indeed it felt like that was what was at the root of the pain.
I have been realising that I am processing deep grief that seems to be around my relationship to my higher levels. Being me and having experienced all that I have in my ultra-sensitive ways, I have felt so abandoned and betrayed by my higher levels. And as this process has gone on it has shifted and changed and in some ways has become more traumatic. There seems to be this huge pain around the fact that, even as I become so much more aligned, so much more at one with my higher levels, I seem to be unable to create or request those things that I have wanted. Even just my own comfort, sense of belonging, trust.
And I have moved a long way towards understanding why this has been perfect, and I can look back and know why with enough clarity to be so grateful. There is a great deal of love in my conscious multidimensionality now, which I think is why it took me a while to realise this specific area of pain. At this point it seems to be about releasing the build-up of feeling ‘put through’ something with no conscious say, having to be the part of me that suffers without being consulted, when it’s me, Sara, that’s suffering! Bit of a mind-fuck. And it doesn’t matter how logically I understand this, or how accurate this might be. This is what is needing to be heard. So I am listening and I am loving.
As I was having this big release last night I was struck by the huge sense of love I felt within the experience. It was easy for me to truly question myself as to whether I could actually do this. Whether I was going to be able to step through this last portal (since it feels like that’s where I am now) or whether I was just going to run out of steam and have to bow out. It was amazing to me that all I felt was this clean, warm love and compassion and even passion for myself in this vulnerability, and this not-knowing. And that it didn’t matter that I must trust that I can do this somewhere, that I do mentally, spiritually trust I can do this, that I feel I can, am, will be all that I can be in a body. I was able to truly allow this pain to speak in this way, because it needed to so much, and I needed to acknowledge that this is the effect that this process has had, and is still having on me.
So much of this goes on in my mind and the confusion can twist me up in the most crucifying knots because it is all bound up with sometimes not having a clue which way is up and how to do anything, be anything but my breath into my heart. Yes, my neutrality is immense now; yes, my presence is becoming so loving, so clear, so able to observe. Yet there are times when it feels like there is so much in the way, so much passing through, that I just don’t care, I can’t feel it, I can only carry on, even when I want out. If this isn’t traumatic I don’t know what is! ♡
So this month has brought me deeper and deeper into listening to me. Making my sense of things first and foremost, no matter what it is. Answering the phone, seeing people, eating, emailing, taking in information and discerning, where my focus wants to be internally, how my life gets expressed, how I interact and receive, what I receive. It’s all become much more intimate, much more personal, much closer, and it’s given me such clarity on how I have never known how to do that, never trusted myself in that way, always put everyone else’s opinions and views before my own, for so many reasons, so naturally. And now I come to see, so oddly, how no matter that I logically knew this not to be accurate, I haven’t seen myself and my sense of life, of LOVE as equal to anyone else’s.
And this means I have always been exhausted by automatically fitting myself into how everyone else sees life, whatever size of shift that has required. Yes, I have been working through this layer by layer, with all the people in my life. I have been becoming more and more conscious of this for a long time. Yet now I can really feel it, see it, recognise it. Pay attention to it openly and with love, because I really understand, and I really don’t mind. And now is the time to address it. Especially, and fundamentally, because I realise this applies to my higher levels too. I have deferred to my higher self, not from a loving sense of perspective and clarity, but from a sense of unworthiness, and this has to shift. Not a clue how, but I can bet it will involve listening to me and a hell of a lot of love. Happily, I get better at this every day.
So it has become abundantly clear to me that clarity of a sovereign kind is an essential part of freedom. In those moments since the Solstice where I have been able to lift my head above the turbulent cloud layer, take some cleansing breathes and stretch my wings in the sunlight (oh p a r a d i s e I can tell you… 🙂 ), I have come to realise that the sovereign clarity is what makes it all so joyful. When you exist in a pure sense of knowing of what is right for you – and this isn’t about details or specifics really, this feels to me to be about complete trust in your own sense of you – you know that in every moment, you will be completely clear about what to do, create, focus upon, be, love, expand, allow. Because it’s effortless, you ARE you, clear and sovereign and that’s it. It all just happens. Clear flow, sovereign love, unique joy.
When I have tapped into this in these little pockets of newness, I have been astonished at the vitality and soaring joy of this feeling. Like I am truly in charge of everything, all is at my fingertips and it’s all just awaiting my attention and reception. This is bloody fantastic, I can assure you. And it also makes it soooo painful when it goes away again, because I feel anything but clear when I’m in these purifying rounds, which would be fine if my mind wasn’t constantly questioning whether it’s just my ineptitude that has knocked me off that sense of joy. Even though I bloody KNOW it isn’t. Christ’s sake, they don’t call it mastery for nothing.
And I think one of the loveliest things for me, from a self-love point of view, is that I am able to pay attention to everything in my life in the way I want to, even if my physical creation abilities are still surfacing (I am in the middle of my Saturn return, gentleness is my key word here, I think!), and even as everything else is going on. I guess that’s a form of innate clarity emerging! All my relationships, to myself and others, my preferences, my feelings, my standards, my inspirations, my intuitions, somehow I am able to honour it all and still be this process. I think I love how much that impresses me that we can do that – I think I am becoming more aware of just what an achievement that is. To be able to express your essence, refine it, expand it, reflect it in your universe in the ways that feel most beautiful to you whilst transforming your entire self at every level, in ways never been done before. I mean, woah, guys. So cool. This I love, and being able to sense this and my own appreciation for this is one of my favourite things about getting clearer and more sovereign. Our capacity for love is just colossal!
I guess what is happening is this sovereign clarity is being integrated and built in waves, in stages, in layers, however you want to see it. And I say this because what has been strongly obvious and clear for a while now is that, whatever confusion and craziness is going on in my energies, I am for me. Consciously, simply, completely. That is all, and that is all that matters. My self-love is growing, is expanding, is evolving, and I trust it is this that is driving the whole process because it is enabling more of ME to come into union in my physical form. It’s just happening so quickly now that I don’t have anything but a continually evolving sense of newness, simultaneous to a continuously evolving shit-storm of purification. N.i.c.e.
But this is really the point. My pain last night, which was an exquisite experience that I am very grateful for (love how having more of ME in here means these intensities are often mostly breathtakingly exhilarating and love-filled! Go figure), showed me that in that core way at the very least, my self-love is, and allows for, my sovereign clarity. And I trust that this will continue to grow and integrate and at some point I will be able to move into this permanently, and leave all that is still being purified behind.
I have had a very clear sense of this permanent shift for a long time, and I know it feels vibrational to me – critical mass, frequential match. Sort of like a building, cresting wave which just tunes us up and up and up until we finally pop out at the top, clean and clear and renewed. I just have to keep acknowledging what’s leaving, changing, renewing, allowing the shifts, enjoying anything and everything I possibly can, and trusting myself, even if in simply pointing out the obvious: If somewhere in me I didn’t completely and utterly trust my own capacity for this, my own joy in this process and its potentials, I most definitely would not have made it this far. And I most definitely would not still be getting out of bed in the morning. (Erm…afternoon… 😉 )
God I hope you guys are having an amazingly joyful time of this! Over and out ♡