Something I have noticed that happens quite often for me now, is a sudden arrival of a profound shift in a connection or an energy, which will feel totally right, but will quite suddenly move me into an entirely different place with it. Very Uranian. And though I know I am actually deeply suited to this, which is great now my mind is getting more comfortable with it, it has often given me deep pause for thought, because it’s not something that humans are at all comfortable with – in my own experience at least – and my mind finds it hard not to see these sudden shifts as invalidating all that went before, when I was in my different view point with it.
This has been particularly strong for me in the last day, when I have found myself in some extremely strong movements of this kind, which although are familiar to me now, even just in the specific situations they have come up in again, I felt all the old doubts about it and my discernment abilities floating up with them again. I think this is mainly because I have had to flow through points like this – especially in my connections, many times – and each time, though these points have indeed changed my focus, they have remained within the wider flow of the same direction, and so I have ended up staying in the same circumstances whilst I work my way through to finally being able to change direction entirely, which I think has just happened. (She says, knowing this in itself will be new! Haha.)
The reason for the resistance specifically though, is because feeling the rightness of change, and making the decision to shift, and then finding that that decision simply changes the energy WITHIN the circumstance, not the circumstance, has meant a great deal of pain for me. It’s very painful to feel so free and clear of something and then to discover in yourself that you are just free of another round of it. And even though my heart has lead me through this each time and I know it has been right, when this round of shift came in so suddenly, and felt so final, something in me definitely said ‘do I even have the energy to believe I can finally be free of this? When so many times I have found my heart leading me back into it, albeit from a different place? Can I deal with this if I have to step back in AGAIN, after a shift this big?’ Especially when it involves SO MUCH letting go of so much you thought you were, and you have no idea what that space will be filled by instead.
I have been sitting with this part of me most gently, because although I trust and know that staying in the connections and situations I have stayed in was definitely the highest good thing for me to do each time, it has had effects on me that are showing themselves for some loving now. I have found it very difficult to perceive myself as being ‘wrong’ or mistaken, as I have written about before. And it’s been thinking on this that has lead me to what has inspired this post.
Firstly, what has happened with this round of shifting is I have finally freed myself of the density to such an extent that all the things that used to keep me in the doubting my own feelings (worrying I was not being respectful/kind/loving/generous enough) are distant echoes this time around. This is a massive joy for me. They are there, but this time my heart – and my own conscious awareness of my own deepening and rising LOVE standards – are giving me the strength to be firm in what feels peaceful and right, and just allow the distress and worry to flow through, trusting myself to follow my heart implicitly.
And it’s been a joy also that, for the first time ever, it felt totally joyful to be a bit (largely) wolfy and direct in my expression of this shift. Joy and relief. And that may sound weird and not-heart-based, but I assure you, when you have been as diligent and stringent and careful with your motivations and expression as I have been, and have poured so much energy into making sure you are as loving as possible, when the time comes when you KNOW it is joyful to just be authentically pissed off and express it, and that that must be for the highest good BECAUSE you are feeling the joy of it, I assure you the relief, the relaxation and the peaceful joy is just a balm to a perfectionist soul.
Where this process lead my thoughts this morning, as I was walking to and from town in the awesome winter sunlight and feeling the incredible, expansive freedom this latest change wave is bringing, was about how my perspective has changed on the feeling of letting go and making space. The well-known quote from Kahlil Gibran about sorrow carving the space for joy has come up so many times in the last few years for me, and every time it has rung so true (and has been so synchronised) and helped me maintain my own dedication to where I have always been headed. And it was thinking about this too that brought it all together in a lovely joy rush of aha! Which I adore and makes all the effort it takes to get there so worthwhile.
This time I was thinking about the thing of when you are so certain in your feeling and motivation of something and are merrily flowing along in it, and then your energy shifts so suddenly and you find yourself feeling a totally different way, it can feel like you then need to see all the energy you put into the other way of being as wasted or in some way wrong. I was totally delighting in this ever-clearer sensation of how, as you open up to a unified and expanding perspective, your view instead becomes inclusive, and it all becomes simply an amazing part of what you are and how you came to be that way.
What I was seeing was how all the pain, the love, the intensity, the grief, the rage, the confusion, the delusion/illusion, the joy, the learning, everything that goes into a process we choose to undertake (however consciously or not), all this does indeed carve space – not just the sorrow – all of it. And in fact, right now, I feel sorrow in that quote to mean all of it somehow – ‘sorrow’ in that quote for me right now is like our perceived journey away from LOVE, from HOME, and joy is the returning to it. And what happens when we reach the end of a cycle, when we lift or shift to a different perspective, when we truly step out of and free ourselves from those processes that grow and refine us the most, we lose nothing. Instead, everything that we poured into that process, that experience, everthing we made and gleaned and discovered and realised about and for ourselves, all that becomes consciously ours.
Suddenly I was seeing for myself how much it seems that that is the whole point for me. We delve into unfamiliar places, we undertake grand adventures into the unknown; so unknown that we forget where we came from. And so, when we finally see the end of that path, and come home again to ourselves, everything we have learnt along the way has made us who we are in the returning. And this is obvious, I know, but it was the particular sensation of consciously having everything I have been and done in these cycles available to me to use however I like, like precious resources and jewels I have gathered along the way. And the way that all that I bring into reunion again with myself nourishes and expands the potentials for what I might then be and do with my new found and larger capacity for LOVE. Something greater than the sum of its parts.
In my relationships and connections for example, I have seriously refined my ability to embody, and my understanding of integrity, of unconditionality, of devotion, of boundaries, of sovereignty, of clarity and of the courage to be honest. I have opened myself more and more fully, often in places and with people that – in hindsight – some part of me is glad I didn’t have future knowledge of, because then I wouldn’t have learnt what I have learnt (because I would have run screaming for the hills, if I had even made it outside…).
And now, as I become truly free in my BEing, as I feel it tangibly coursing through me and all the situations which have been honing me so deeply and so precisely for so long, I see what I have achieved, and I see just how much I have devoted and dedicated myself to loving and being everything I could in every situation, and now I know more of what I am capable of, I begin to fully know that I am able to navigate all the new that’s waiting with full integrity, with full devotion, with full openness, and I am passionately ready to be met in that in all ways, because I know that’s what I deserve. What I have always deserved. And by creating all this space, by fully letting go of all the old, everything that – finally – no longer serves me, I can actually luxuriate in all the infinite potential this HUGE new and evolving space holds, rather than feeling the emptiness and loss that it used to mean.
And it’s a joy to feel all that deserving and self-knowledge so lightly – I don’t even need to say it to myself or consciously feel that it’s true (though I am and I love that) – it’s like receiving such joyful balm from my own heart that says ‘Sara, you did yourself proud, and now you can take your lovely self to whatever heights you wish to explore, and know you will always be met, and that you have the courage to expand endlessly with whomever and whatever comes to meet you’. It’s a joy and a relief to finally believe this about myself. To finally be ready to shine with joy. To finally embrace all that I am. To gently walk myself through any feelings of fear about shining my light to its greatest extent for all the world to see, however quietly or loudly I choose to do so.
And I am so grateful to me for that. I have spent a lot of time feeling and extending gratitude to all who have been my mirrors and teachers in this huge and incredible journey we’ve all been on, and I know that that gratitude is always there and will come again for direct expression, because it’s true and it’s real. But right now, I just want to feel it for myself, and honour what I have done and what I am, because it’s ME that I haven’t been truly grateful for, that I haven’t expressed that gratitude for; it’s me I haven’t fully honoured for my own part in what I have done. Because I was so busy thanking everyone else in order to make sure I was being as loving as possible.
And so from that place of honouring self, I honour you too in that. For we all are achieving extraordinary things. We have all set ourselves on intensely challenging adventures, and now I can fully honour that in myself, that is naturally extended to all, without effort, without trying, without anything other than loving acknowledgement. So I say, yay Sara! Yay world! Awesome.
Whatever shall we do next…? (I suspect it will involve chocolate for me… 😉 ) And I love you ♡