I’m feeling a new level of vulnerability and rawness today which is surprisingly uncomfortable, and yet tells me that I must be arriving here to greater depths because whenever my intense sensitivities are set off I know I am integrating a greater refinement of ME onto Gaia. This is always challenging!
It’s challenging to me as I understand it thus far because I am so sensitive, and yet, I am unique, of course, so it’s definitely my own kind of sensitivity. I am actually now very good at grounding myself considering the sheer crazy air/fireness of me, and at having clear boundaries, being sovereign. It’s taken a lot, but I get better every day. With a little help from my friends… 😉 So this rawness surprised me because I have really truly embraced so much about variety and difference being so bound up with how I sense the purpose of existence; to explore and experience ONE in myriad, reflected, connected and ever-expanding creative forms. So suddenly finding myself getting really f***ing fed up of being shown constantly how different I am to everyone else, even though I know how beautifully and exquisitely perfect this is, got me thinking.
I realised that part of my vulnerability, my sensitivity, is the way I am wired to perceive and receive others so very acutely, and more so than myself. I take them in, I absorb them, I delight in the beauty of them (this is pretty darn new – I used to just avoid it because they reflected my own fear so intensely to me), I feel their essence and the gap between it and how they express; or rather, the different twists and turns and refractions that essence makes in order to be the person I receive. This is growing. Fast. Or rather – hah – my conscious awareness of it is growing. Fast.
So I was feeling this feeling of sensitive exhaustion, like I was this extremely fragile and refined crystal shell that was just going to get crushed by being looked at, or frayed nerve endings finding exposure to anything at all like a jolt to the system, and I was holding and being all of this with as much loving focus as possible, and I was being informed by it. And what I started understanding was that, because of how I AM as Sara, I am exposed to the differences between all things constantly, and very clearly, on ever more conscious levels. And the reason I was suddenly finding this so very tiring and irritating was because all my life, in the way my distortions had been created within me, I took every single one of those differences as a criticism, as a failure to be that thing that I was not.
And, as I understand it right now, that is because I was considering sameness to be ONEness. It seemed to me, totally justifiably, that if I could just be the same as everyone, I would be safe, I would be worthy of love, I would be HOME. Great. Very logical when you come from LOVE, undiluted and undistorted. Except that trying to be the same as any other distorted thing is never going to end well, now is it? And that’s why we are here, and that’s also intensely beautiful to me, even when it isn’t. And this isn’t new either – so much has been talked about with these ideas, and they and the collective resonance of them have inspired this thought process in me, which only I can have, because only I am me, hence difference, hence endless expressions of ONE through many.
But seeing this again and more clearly and from a different angle helped me bring more gentleness to myself because I suddenly could understand more in my own way of why it suddenly felt so overwhelmingly unsatisfactory. Firstly, I am very tired on many levels, but mainly mentally. I have gone through some amazing rejuvenations as the summer progressed and I opened to more LOVE through me. So I tend to forget what I have asked of myself, which is no bad thing most of the time!. At this point, no amount of rest is ever going to be unjustified, if it ever needed justification in the first place (it didn’t).
Secondly, there is something about me that is fundamentally soft, fundamentally open, fundamentally yielding and deeply devotionally loving, even in this human form. That’s why it’s taken me so long to get much of me into this body, because when that meets the general vibration held on this planet currently, ouch ensues, big time, and Sara wants to leave. So it’s had to be gradual, and the more I have understood this the easier it has been to identify when I have these moments of feeling frayed and raw, because I know it’s more refined ME coming into the still much denser collective vibe. Expansion and integration. Simple, not easy.
But it’s helping me today to see that sameness was survival for me in a deeply important and fundamental way. In the exquisite innocent child-like places, I long for home to be here, I long to be able to enjoy the incredible differences and astounding beauty of ONE in this way on Earth in LOVE and freedom and total openness. I just get extremely tired every now and again of having to know that and hold it around a vast collective of awarenesses who have forgotten, even as I am finding it ever-easier. And when the intensely wonderful connections that do resonate at that level with me reflect differences, it’s like that little sanctuary that contained HOME for me is threatened because I am still equating sameness with oneness, and oh my God is nowhere (the same) safe?! (No, Sara, it’s not, that’s the point).
And I know that is why I am here. I know I can do and be that and am. I know I can do and be that by being exactly as I am and being exceedingly gentle and patient with myself in my not-knowing and vulnerability, which is a very new skill I am overjoyed to be discovering. I know that it’s actually perfectly fine to be exhausted, to be fragile, to wish I could just be known so I didn’t have to do so much radical self-care all the time simply because others do not know themselves, or because there is a greater robustness I am teaching myself in order to be on this planet. Sometimes I just have to be crapping well fed up of the whole crapping thing. And if I can just recognise and allow that, which is a feat in itself for me, then hallelujah, I am free.
Because I really and truly do know for myself that difference is the beauty of existence, is the variety that makes the infinite, luminous ONE. I know that the vibrations and frequencies with which I associate HOME – or my natural state of pure LOVE – are not the prevalent ones on this planet right now and that has effects, so I am gentle with me, because that is what I am helping to change as I be me, here, now. And I have to stay open to all of it. But that doesn’t mean rejecting myself for getting fed up of it sometimes! Hah. Of course it doesn’t (I have to laugh because perfectionist Sara really is quite impressive in her need to put ‘doing more to be perfect’ over anything else).
There is no escaping the complete uniqueness of every spark of awareness. There is only the embracing of it, and the creating with it, in ever wider perspectives. How freeing. And really, isn’t one of the true beauties of difference, that I am receiving very consciously today, bringing you more of yourself, through contrast and reflection?
Now I will get back to cuddling myself and integrating…♥
*Read this immediately after posting and it was like synchronicity balm so I had to smile and add it ♥ *