Since the September Equinox, the most profound change that I have noticed, ever more consciously, is this sense of coming home to myself, of arriving consciously in my heart, of my perception expanding from there, being filtered through there, even as I traverse the various different purges and recalibrations of old patterns that require forays to and from the mind and the heart. I guess the easiest way I can describe it is that as my mind is cleared, (as the mirror is wiped clean, as I was saying to Dad earlier!) it can perceive the essence of things so much more clearly, and come to know more of what it is of coming home – in all ways – to my innately loving heart.
I think what has surprised me most is the quiet, normal, expansive joy and peace that is this process of arriving in ME. Once I had cleared enough, entrained my energies enough, been shown enough of how I had worked up until this point, I was ready to switch over fully from the old mental constructs of doing and external referencing into the heart-centred Now-present calm knowing of who I really AM, and integrate it incrementally, expansion by little (HUGE) expansion. It’s as if, up until that point, the clearing was still to get me to that point, and then from that point, the clearing became dissolving that which was in the way of my expansion outward; as if my heart was a star, a point of light, that was gradually able to expand its light out further and further through my energies, clearing as it went, fully operational and simply now expanding me to a point where the light could fill and become embodied on all my levels and tones in this experience, replacing and renewing all that no longer supported this new heart-centred, light-filled direction.
The thing is, now I can really clearly see how gradual and continuous this process has been; I remember very clearly feeling the moment my heart-star (because that is the best way I can describe the feeling) switched on, because it was back on the first of Aisha North’s Gatherings at the Pond in May, and as someone who doesn’t really feel things that directly, it was a massive and total experience of shift for me that was very profoundly affecting. Especially as it didn’t go away! And I know that the COLOSSAL purge around the March Equinox, that was more excruciating and hellish than I can possibly describe (and I don’t need to because I know so many will resonate!), prepared me for that. Just as the ensuing clearance and purging that kept coming in waves continued from then, to prepare for each wave of light that came, just as this Eclipse period is doing now.
It’s just, what it feels like now is that, as the clearing and recalibration and enlightenment becomes so very full and complete in the sense of this cycle of experience, my mind can actually perceive it more and more directly, because it is able to filter through into my conscious experience, and all of my self becomes entrained to higher frequencies.
This has some amazing effects, and also provides me with some true moments of awe as I look back at what has been achieved by all of us on this path of awakening to ourselves. Because now, as my consciousness becomes truly heart-centred (thank God/dess!!!), and my levels of self-love expand accordingly, I find it ever easier to keep turning inward for my own sense of love and support; as if my own heart were the amazing mother who gives you a huge soft cuddle when you are feeling scared, the best friend who cheers you on when you need some encouragement, the lover who reassures you that you are so adored and cherished perfectly as you are, and the home where you know you belong, and that that belonging is the only home you ever need to know, because it is what we have lost our connection to, our perception of, our AWARENESS of, but which truly has always been there.
So as my mind continues to purge itself of all the terrors of doing doing doing in order to be enough, and having to find some way of fixing that which is broken, I find it ever easier and simpler to listen to my heart, which tells me I am already HOME in LOVE, and that I always more than enough, always perfect as I am, and helps me to know that all that feels fearful and constricted really IS an illusion I have chosen to create in order to learn from, and can now leave because I am creating anew, with love as my purpose.
And I look back at times when this connection to my own self-love was so much smaller, or even seemingly non-existent, and I marvel in wonder at how I am here right now. How did I survive that kind of pain? How did I get out of bed in the morning? How did I find the courage to trust the intangible for so long, to keep going when every voice in my mind screamed to just DO something to make myself more acceptable in the eyes of those whose opinion really was what I created myself from? How did I make it this far without this support that resides within my own knowing and love? And this in turn, knowing then the enormity of my resilience and courage, helps me to love my self more as those last and powerful echoes of unworthiness rattle round the spaciousness that I have created for newness to fill. And I see the same resilience and courage in all the beloveds that have walked this path before and with me, and all the incredible people who are walking it without knowing it yet! And I find it so much easier to love them all with compassion and passion for all that they are, and so much easier to be gentle with myself as I feel the new unfolding and lean towards it with all my might, feeling the external reflection of all that I AM ever closer…
It makes me realise how every moment of this path has been perfect. The balance of all the elements has always been perfect for each awareness and experience I have gleaned from this unfolding creation that is my universe, and how could it be any other way? It’s just my perception that is catching up and expanding to match the rest of ME, just as is in perfectly alignment and timing with ME. And it helps me to know that truly, any discomfort I have now is just the old, exploding out of my cells at a rate at which I have no real perception yet, and to be gentle with myself really is the most loving and productive thing I can do for myself right now, no matter how much these last vestiges of old attempt to convince me otherwise (which is becoming less and less effective)!
So as this New Moon and eclipse passage and the Scorpio cauldron bubbling away in the sky highlights with searing exposure whatever is left to clear, I find myself astonished at just how free I really must be to be able to express with so much balance and joy, even as the pressure is so colossal. I so celebrate that, as I celebrate all who hold the light with so much courage and mastery on this amazing sphere of light we see and know as a planet. Wow, we are awesome guys! What diamonds.
And I become truly excited to see what unfolds now as a result of what is really beginning to FEEL like the most incredible divine alchemy we are creating, as November unfolds and the magic gets tangible, and chaos reins, unfolding perfectly – because we trust the unknowing – from our shining cosmic hearts. Hearts that are loving. Hearts that are HOME. The possibilities truly are INFINITE. And I AM JOY…♥♥♥♥♥♥